Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio |
08-11-07, 01:34 PM | #1 | ||||
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NOT A DISS....just something....
IP: 9204 9119
this not a DISS to anyone so i would like some "real feedback" so i know where to improve.....i type this shit up a couple of months ago...i was tryin something new....so sorry if it seems "stretched" cause at the time i was workin on my structure...if u "read it right" though u should be able to understand it....~1~
in a killers mind evil thoughts rain fury.......people die in the lane then buryed screaming lives put away slowly.......searchin for evidence by the police the lands cursed from a death feast un holy......bloody terrain left many dead only like they fell from a plague rolling....... crushed organs put in black bags.........melted skin on bones cracked and dragged faces burnt to a crisp grilled........broken hearts get quick chills when they see there murdered love ones.......criminal cant be caught above guns with morbid thoughts of anger.......went out and bought a razor to cut into skins like saws........a deadly sin destined for falls fingers put in jars along with limbs and arms........situations vivid for harm inside the mist of a farm the smell of carcus in the air........and hell is started for many scared investigators search threw stench.......and hold there breaths cause theres no vent sick minded indivdual on the loose from laws.......every trace found the troops are called but the killers always one step ahead........mastering the puzzle seeming as a veteren shoe prints found but dont match this guy.......will detectives ever snatch this guy this is like a horror film.......the beast comes to harden hearts till the armogeddon reaches surface.......starvin children and women see hearts less a destruction in the way of man.......from the fires paving the day of lands ends on the earths last days........war on brink sending drastic waves of more deaths consuming natures beauty.......the new life to be in fear of loosing your precious family along with friends......cause the killers reign longs to never end but defeat shall surely come soon.......to this immitated devil who runs doom smart villians eventually die to there graves.......even after years of hunting live prey .......
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B.E.S.T.....HAHA |
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08-11-07, 01:36 PM | #2 | ||||
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IP: 9204 9119
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=243462
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=243385 my links
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B.E.S.T.....HAHA |
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08-12-07, 08:38 PM | #3 | ||||
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IP: 9204 9119
uppin on this piece..............!!!!!!!!!
~1~
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B.E.S.T.....HAHA |
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08-14-07, 09:21 AM | #4 | |||||
I have a lot to learn...
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IP: 3223 240D
I get what you mean with the flow thing, it's just a different structure and still goes pretty nicely. There isn't any major flaws, but there are a lot of little things you could do to improve the flow and make it better in general. Stuff like syllable count and word choice... Things you just need to develop a feel for. I'll go through your verse and change things so you can see what I mean.
in a killers mind evil thoughts rain fury.......people die in the lane then buried screaming lives put away slowly.......searchin for evidence by the police the lands cursed from a death feast unholy......bloody terrain left many dead only like they fell from a plague rolling....... crushed organs put in black plastic bags.........melted skin on bones, cracked and dragged faces burnt to a crisp, grilled........and broken hearts get quick chills when they see there murdered love ones.......criminal cant be caught above guns with morbid thoughts of anger.......went out and bought a razor to cut into skins like saws........a deadly sin and for it I'm destined to fall fingers put in jars along with limbs and arms........situations vivid for harm inside the mist of a farm the smell of carcus in the air........and hell starts for many scared investigators search threw the stench.......hold their breath cause theres no vent sick minded indivdual on the loose from laws.......every trace found the troops are called but the killers always one step ahead........master of puzzles, he seems like a veteren shoe prints found but dont match this guy.......will detectives ever snatch this guy this is like a horror film.......the beast comes to harden hearts till the armogeddon reaches surface.......starvin children and women see hearts less a destruction in the way of man.......from the fires paving the day of lands ends on the earths last days........war on brink sending drastic waves of more deaths consuming natures beauty.......the new life to be in fear of loosing your precious family along with friends......cause the killers reign doesn't want to end but defeat shall surely come soon.......to this immitated devil who lives runnin doom smart villians eventually get sent to their graves.......even after years of hunting live prey I dunno, I didn't really change much. Some of the rhyming words might have been better if they were different. Probably one of the best things you can do is read and listen to a lot of good lyrics. It sounds fucked up but seriously try and bite their style. I used to listen to Immortal Technique and then attempt to write story songs or listen to Canibus and try to emulate his flow and the style of his punches. I would still do it. It helps you get your head around putting lyrics together if you really look at how the masters do it. Of course you cant just bite a style though, you work on improving your style by learning from others and then develop it further and make it unique. It's like if you're learning Karate or something, you aren't going to try and invent new moves or something as a beginner, but once you are a master you can develop your own fighting style.
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08-14-07, 09:36 AM | #5 | |||||||
illmatic
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IP: 791C CF81
It seemed good to me. The wordplay was good. The flow I couldnt catch at times but like you said maybe I cant read it right.There werent any flaws to me.
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The only thing to fear is fear itself and fear conquers all!!!! |
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08-14-07, 11:40 AM | #6 | ||||||
Banned: Biting
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IP: C0A8 2430
this drop was hot fam....
the flow was good the topic and the concept was good... i like the whole thing honestly... Terumoto has giving one of the best brake down i have ever seen in rapverse... but fire drop for real..... 9.5 outta 10... 300 J.G we running this rap shit... |
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08-17-07, 07:07 PM | #7 | ||||
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IP: 9204 9119
thanks on this yall....terumoto....young fear....and ransum.....
thanks for breakin it down to terumoto....i understand what u mean too....choosing the right words and syllables to make it better i'll try that when i edit my writtens....lol o yeah and i listen to immortal technique and canibus all the time....they some of the best ever to hit the mic to me....creative all the way......~1~ yall stay up....
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B.E.S.T.....HAHA |
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