you wanna see some fuckin rymes wit no conviction/
just listen to dictionaddiction's hip hop prediction/
as i look into my crystal ball all i envision/
is emcees like me spittin with lyrical precision/
im comin with a style and a brand new addition/
a leader in this world of confusion and indecision/
and mabye one day ill reach the peak, become the pinnicle/
until then ill stay on the fuckin streets and be cinical/
cause the the outlook on the future at the moment is pitiful/
so ill remain in the dark like a phantom and keep invisible/
its not enough, this rap game is what i mean when i say it/
its not like i own it, im not a star i wont portray it/
i want MORE than the rymes or the pussy or the cars/
i want the earth and the sun and the moon and the stars/
ill rule the galaxy from alpha centauri to mars/
robbierys of valueble commoditys like gold bars/


another work in progress, ill update soon, gimmie some tips

I liked this one... this was nice. Just a few pointers... try to avoid using too many -ions in a row like you did at the beginning of the piece. What you did was fine. Sometimes it won't turn out that way though. Oh, and there is one rhyme...

'cause the the outlook on the future at the moment is pitiful/
so ill remain in the dark like a phantom and keep invisible/'

I think it would've been that much iller if you replaced "keep" with "remain"... Keep elevatin'... Peace...

imma give you some honest critisizm.... your rhyme scheme is really simple.... all you basically did was rhyme the last word of every sentence.... cars,stars,mars,bars.... i dont think it was bad, but you could improve alot by adding multi's.... try to improve your rhyme scheme a little..... also try and have a specific point or story to write about and stick with that..... just keep working at it.... Peace

i agree with rich
very simple, rhymed every line
elevate your vocab and get a new topic
"im the fuckin best" topic has been worn out
you have potential find new topics and shit

peace