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Old 04-01-03, 01:34 PM   #1
Und3fyned
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First post, need crit on flow

IP:

I used to post on this board for like a week, way back in the day under the sn Prophecyss. Now it's Und3fyned online, Undefyned off, and I just want to hear your thoughts on this flow that I've brought, so here goes:



The sunny day painted on my eyes can only subside my anger for so long without a light source to light it/
So it's in the darkness I'm hiding/
Approaching passerbyers for help and watch them scatter frightened/
Trying to figure out if my life is sedimentary, or if my body outlived my soul in the cemetary/
and it all seems so scary/
but caring can only take you as far as the dreams at which you're staring/
Carefully impairing not only judgement but substance/
what is this? a group of misfits, misled, or misguided/
I must've missed the missing link from the viewpoint from which I was hiding/
So I'll search for my guiding light as long as I still have a desire to find it/
I cry for the kids, that're reading my shit, filled with hopelessness, so I stand up from peering out my smoke filled lens/
To tell them to hold on to their friends/
and in the same second I see the same friends turn against/
perplexed at what this represents/
I dim my guiding light to low incandescence/
and struggle to search back through my teachings and lessons/
but innaccuracies are mastering me, the same thoughts an actor sees when thinking about Brandon Lee, freak accidents and why shit is happening/


yep, that's all I've got so far as this is still a work in progress, but please let me know what you think.
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