ay yo, it goes like dis/

one day when i was young, runing around wid my gun/
thinking i was a gangsta, when really i was just a wanksta/
i was all bitter in my heart from ceing fello emcee's gettin whacked/
i coulda turned to crack, i felt like commiting murder/
but dat wouldent take me further/
i was feeling ill and in-complete, like half a person/
i need some1 to look out for me, give me nursen when i was ill, share my life with/
i needed to feel complete/
then their she was standing their, leaning up against the wall/
she was da dopest chick i ever saw, to my surprise she was looking at me, staring right at me/
she started walkin over to me, still looking right at me/
i couldent beleve my luck when she asked me out/
so 20 years down da line we're still going out/
we got outa da hood, became up n respected/
i still whent back to battle, won some lost some, thought i was a g/
dats when da call came on my cell, my knees whent week and i fell to da floor/
i got up started runing for dat door/
i got home, their she was in bed, laying dare all weak/
she awoke and spoke, she told me about her cancer, told me she had bout a week/
i started to cry, i couldent live wid out her, she was my everything/
when i got angry she made me chill, when i doubted hope and religion/
she filled it up to da top, i couldent imagine carrying on wid out her/
i loved her, i never looked at another hoe, no fucking hoe could match her flow/
as i bent over da bed she fell asleep, i began to weep, i needed her to keep/
i began praying begging to be forgiven, i sore dis as my punishment/
if i had been good, never done all da things i did, maybe dis wouldent be happanin/
but dat mutha up dare in da sky, he told me a mutha fucking lie/
he aint good, he aint hope, he told me i was forgiven/
but he still wasa taken her, i begged him not to, i told him he didnt need too/
he refused me doe, knocked me back, told me some day he would take me too/
thats when my girl awoke, she looked me in da eye, stated she was still alive/
she told me not too worry, told my i was everything, told me she gave me everything/
as she lay dare on deaths door step here she was trying to comfort me, she was so strong and loving/
she asked me wat i cotemplate, dat was her way of asking me my thoughts/
i told her if she whent i had to go wid, i told her i was nothing wid out her/
then her breathin started heavin/
she told me my desire, she told me i whanted her forever/
i told her dat i was lossing her, maybe tonight maybe tomorra/
dats when it happand, she closed her eyes/
her chest stopped movin, she wasent movin or talkin/
she was dead right dare in da middle of da bed/
i didnt cry or shout, i shoulda let it all out but didnt, couldent wouldent/

so here i am all alone 6 months later/
sometimes when im in our room i think i see her moving around in da livingroom/
i get up and run over but she aint their, the whole room is bere/
i cant live without her, i got nothin left but da memorys in my heart/
dat aint enough, i need her warmth/
im only 40% da man i was, im empty/
i aint got nothin inside no mor, no luv, no hope, i dont beleve in anything now/
i wanna end it all but cant, i think to myself all those times i talked about murdurin and not giving a fuck about death/
now i relise i was lyin to myself n my bro's/
i cant kill deese foes, fuck i cant even kill myself/
dats when 1 day in da hood, a black chevie screams around da corner/
that mutha starts poppin lead, does bullets crashing all around my head/
then it hits me right in da throat, i start to choke and panic/
den out of nowhere i see her, she tells me not to panic/
she tells me im coming home/
i lay their calm, just waitin, then the last thing i think before i sleep an eternal sleep is/
earth is hell, yo arse is tested here, when you die you goto heaven no matter what/
so now im about to die and i always finished ma battles wid im outty/
well now for da last time.............. i truely am outty/

Dedicated to racheal winter 1975-2000, we all loved you girl, you made all you new complete, i dont know when but one day im coming home, i still luv you girl..... RIP

Ill joint , ILL , man deep emotional shit u was spitting , , , damnnnn dawg she died for real , , damn datz messed up ,,, cause at first i thought u was makin up da whole shit , , ,but when i read tha bottom i realized that she died for real , ,, man dawg this was a deep shit , i got one more question , why did u use words like Hoe in it................................................ ...keep spittin

^^ Like sed, could really feel ur emotion...Nice drop mayn...Keep postin

Return tha favor n gimme some feed:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=43879

yea she was da best damn woman i ever met, i used hoe as a symbol of my anger, and also in my UK hood to be called my hoe is good.....

were u at in UK???

anyway this was deep and emotional

only one thing i have to pull u up on and thats structure some bars were way too short try making your bars even length and that will help ya flow alot

neway man nice drop keep it up

pz

mersyside G, thanks for yo words.

Yo0o, my sound dont work on my comp so its hard with out beats but what do you mean by elevation?? yo again ur shyt is dope!

man u know i got dat all da time, it means as da dictionery states, elevate basically make yo words better play wid um, use bigger words, less used words. if u still struggaling go look in da basics its in dare several posts asking for info dawg, also read what i put on red wun's post, i put some advise dare.

I'm feelin dat shit cuz sometimez I feel in complete to dawg.

uppin for comments

after the first 6 lines I stopped reading, totally wasn't feelin' this.. vocab was elementary, flow was off.. I dunno, thanks for feedback on mine.. all I gotta really say to you is elevate.. work on your flow, and having an origional vocab.. peace.

__________________

G u gotta remember that not all rymes are made to flow, this here ryme is hard hittin n personal, my feelings on dis arnt complicated, so neither should it be when i lay it down, try to remember that dawg

This was real emotional, seemed like you put a piece of your heart into it, and sets it above anything we can say, because its personal to you. I agree, the flow was off, your rhyme patterns/ scheme could of been a lot better, you could of got a lot more in depth with the imagery, and even without the flow, your writers voice could of been stronger than it was. But aside from the flaws, you put your heart into this, and that shone through, she obviously meant a lot to you and its the emotion you put in this piece that kept me captivated.
Nice drop man, just take the critisism and build on it, they arent hating - their telling you how to elevate.
Holla at mine,

Peace!

i got five barrles of bullets waiting to bust you /got a nickaten pach on my gun cause im always smoken your crue/ why do try to beef cause you no i got biger guns then a m-16 with the bullets the size of your girls buck teeth