Hey, im a new member here, not exactly sure how it all works, I'll post one of my old raps for critics to attack and maybe someone will fill me in on how it works around here. I used this in a verbal battle about a month ago.

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Ima gunna ask you nicely to quit all your whiney bitchin
if you can't take the heat get the fuck up out my kitchen,
Im like psychic cleo i see your dreams and I know what your wishin,
but my rhymes are so infectious they'll make it burn when ur pissin,
I'll break it down for ur bitch ass so just sit there and listen,

your rhymes move at the speed of doctor seuss
but mine are like a rapid dog let loose,
of the chain and in your brain,
every word I say hits your ass like a train.

Don't think because I'm a white boy i won't run up in your home,
send two to your dome
and nine to your spine
im an expert marksman guaranteed to make you recline.

now that you've heard my flow next time youll prepare
yeah grizzley you just got beeaten by a polar bear.

Aight ha ha. For your first post it was nice actually I thought it was str8 cuz thats what I used to rhyme like. Once your on here longer you will learn mo shit and new techniques. But, all and all that was good. I aint gonna eat on you fo that one.

Most of the shit was like I guess soft but since yo new it wont matter a bit. You do got potential I can see that already.

(Quote)your rhymes move at the speed of doctor seuss
but mine are like a rapid dog let loose,
of the chain and in your brain,
every word I say hits your ass like a train.(Qoute)

That was a few nice lines there bro. I hope I aint writtin to much Im juss sayin what I think. Anyway keep evaluating and one day you will be much higher. You juss to up yo *Vocab* skills a bit, which means like use bigger words.
(I have no room to talk though, but I am tryin)

But, aight man good shit.

holla at yo boy

~ShEmY~

up the vocab I can do. Didn't want to be to hard at first because Im not trying to step on anybody, Im the new guy here and the last thing i need is beef, rather make friends. How's this for better vocab?

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Soon as i stepped on the scene you knew my flow was amazing,
ill influence yall with my lyrical persuasion,
fuck with your head like a differential equation,
designed for permanent income tax evasion,
yeah Im caucasian,
but my bullets still will leave an abrassion,
markin you death as a ceremonial occasion,
my shits too complex,
you're of the homosex,
buttfucked with no laytex,
get in line to be the next victim of this rhythmical hex.

for a newbie.........This drop was Illl..........................But You gon get better if u elevate...........Up ur vocab and metaphors...........and u gonna get be much better...................keep spittin............Return da favour http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=50418

lmao at th esecond ryme,both werent bad,good lil spits,they wer emad shorts thats th eonly problem i could see..but i like ot read long rhymes i get mor einto them that way,but this was aiight for beginnings of shit...shit snice...lmao at the homosex line,i never kne wpeople said homosex lmao ahahha...shit is funny...liked both verses actually,but pick up on th esimilies and metaphors like bash said,and also try to pu tin abit of imagery....but if you eepin it battle rhyming,then there is little need fo rit...keep up dun.
bismillah


return the favour...
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=50451

imagery, wrote this on the spot, still short but whats the verdict?

Why is it that all we seem to spew is hate,
with guns blarring all the time we perpetuate our eternal fate,
seems like we're doin time for sins commited long ago,
set up and framed there aint no safe place to go,
street lights flickering
underneath children bickering,
one pulls a gun,
lays a bullet into one of God's sons,
all the other scatter and run,
cane and able remain,
what kinda shit must be goin through his brain?
didn't mean to pull the trigger,
my stray callin the family a ditch digger,
a grave stone for someones kid,
all because of an action you did,
all the pain inside,
no where that you can hie,
from the monster within,
haunting you for your sin,
now his guns raised to his head,
he's knockin lord let him in,
BLAM
in this eternal struggle,
does good ever win?

the second one you put in was good..but the first post was too simple if ya get what a mean..it was still ill fo a newbie but youll learn as ya battle

wheres the love? i see you viewin but no comments, with the xception of those above who seem to always throw respect. Thanx to them. Much love

I liked the 2nd one most out of all these. Like everyone else said, the first one was kind of simple, but showed potential. Keep on writing and you'll improve, no doubt. Hell, you already are.