RapVerse.com Community
 Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End RV Radio  

Go Back   RapVerse.com Community > Fresh From The Lab > Textual Releases
User Name
Password
FAQ Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 07-04-03, 02:27 PM   #1
Savory
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Joined:
Status:
Text Record: 0-1
Audio Record: 0-0
Graphics Record: 0-0
Dark, Cold, and Lonely

IP: 3630 692D

My life, you wouldn't neva imagine//
I'm can sit back & tell you what happend//
I can use three words to describe tha picture//
I'm gettin smaller while my life is gettin bigger//

DARK
Every person has a dark side//
And it ain't fun roller coasters,like a park ride//
I can tell you my side is worst//
Knew about evil from my birth//
Bring you pain and hurt//
HA HA HA-evil smirks//
Something beatiful wouldn't be evil,that's ya expectation//
But I been known to show a dark side without hesitation//

COLD
Some people are very cold//
I learned this when 13 years old//
In the streets,ni99a turn their back//
U were cool, but now u throw sneak attacks//
With missiles launching//
My heart rapidly thumpin//
Who is next to feel tha bullets dumpin'//
Where I'm at, life is really gelid//
It hurts just 2 open my eyelids//
I'm 2 wise and I'm still a kid//
At times I can feel tha iciness//
But I'm Savory, I can bring spiceiness//

LONELY
Sometimes I get lonely//
Tha world, closin its doors on me//
Wit my ex boy turning on me//
When will this ever decease//
Boys leavin tears fa weeks//
Being alone is mostly ya fault//
You broke my heart down into grains of salt//
I don't care, I'm 15 , still got life to go around me//
But being lonely contines to surround me//
The world is what I try to avoid//
But my tears is all the noise//
Staying alone is sometime awkward//
Cause I never leave my house like an internet shopper//
And u still askin when can you come see me//
You'll only understand if you can be me//
And truly took a path in my shoes//
You'll see tha bath of lonliness I go through//
Nobody never ever stays true//
So dat's why I stay away from you//

Dat's something you will neva apprehend//
You can act and pretend//
Smile a fake a$$ grin//
But I dark, cold, lonely 2 tha end
  Reply With Quote
Old 07-04-03, 02:40 PM   #2
shiznit
Tampons are expensive
 
shiznit's Avatar
 
Posts: 676
Joined: Mar 2003
From: Somewhere uve never been born....
Status: Offline
Text Record: 2-1
Audio Record: 0-0
Graphics Record: 0-0
IP: EF0A E7B2

Shiznit's THoughts:

VOCABULARY

>definitely up for that cuz u used mainly simple and plain words and just basically threw random stuff on this...if you would use like more deeper or like more interesting words that would caught the readers eyes...this would be good


FLOW

>i dont really feel the flow of this cuz the lines were short although its quite amazing on how u categorized...dark, cold and lonely made ur piece attractive....but wasnt really feelin it too much

WORDPLAY

>hmm the only thing that i noticed is that this was somewhat like a keystyle that were elaborated by some kind of story....its really interesting..but couldve been better if u put more in it ya know...just a thought..


CONTENT

>affections and emotions stood out on this piece...life sometimes do suck sometimes and we cant really control it but the only thing we can do to affect the flow of life is when we make choices...and think about its positive and negative effects of it...love it

OVERALL

>wasnt bad at all...this is the first one ive read...and i know that you couldve made this better...but hey...there are still other chances...take them ..well nice read tho

drop more!
__________________
<br><br><center>- Shiznit -
- Tampons are still expensive -
- That's a Fact - </center>
Send a message via Yahoo to shiznit   Reply With Quote
Old 07-04-03, 07:00 PM   #3
Savory
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Joined:
Status:
Text Record: 0-1
Audio Record: 0-0
Graphics Record: 0-0
IP: 8229 A4FA

^^^yeah this could have been way better....this is not some of my best work....i can't write like i used to but i'm tryin to get back there...i might have lost my touch (in writing text)
  Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 09:08 AM.

Powered by vBulletin.
Copyright © 2000-2004 Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.