Here is one of my new joints check the wordplay:


My girl wears a white dress fit tight to impress fight
Stress of not having sex when she’s grabbing the kotex at night
A complex sight and while in the Lex use my bright lights
Dimmer switch don’t work, glimmer of light from the ditch lurk
And twitch erratically it bewitch me that automatically hurt
Not a tacky female with a Yaki Pony Tail in a hottie mini-skirt
A tragic reaction to a magic attraction brings graphic satisfaction
It’s a serious devastation and a mysterious fascination like Janet Jackson
She’s romantic like Toni Braxton good grammar and Hollywood glamour
Stay in the hood with this hot mamma gamma and for scrubs I got a hammer
Smack her lips with kisses while the back of her hips twistses
In my grips no misses so mild and meek I trips on reminisces
So girl you got cake boo lets go on a date yeah true but wait
Soul in passion yet so old fashion, ok but don’t be late
At Golden Coral Steak dinner on the plate when we enter it gonna be great
Boo I’m surprise inside my soul gonna simonize my ride for the roll
Get my twenty-inch rim shiny,
Wanna clench you in a mini-skirt never grimy
My body stays steaming while you’re daydreaming
You can spot it when we kisses my heart be gleaming
Have so many exotic wishes heart light beaming
Damn girl got some pretty you quick with the tries
But I can get sick with the good-byes








Feedback on this

I felt you mis-placed some words. And others were bent into something else so they would fit in with the piece.

Nonetheless, i liked the way you approached it. Kind of original, you explored it with a slight depth. But mostly using a light amount of crpyticism, so the reader had to dig a BIT.

Had its flaws. But still very nice.

..resp..

Shiznit's Thoughts:

VOCABULARY

>yes indeed...uve made ur point that u actually used a couple of deep contstructive words that made this piece stood out but the fact that u actually executed some of them on the wrong side of the piece...some terms couldnt really fit in on some lines and most of them are actually are a bit too emphasized...but for some reason ur choice of words were actually good.
>some metas were actually seen and it was structured rather simple. props for that.


FLOW
>it wasnt that bad. The rough edges at some parts affected the whole drop flow thing. Recreate the lines a bit and i know for sure it would actually bring out the best of this whole verse. Some were just off but it was good,

CONTENT

>not too much in it...eye catching..hmm it might be. The representation of the whole image and actions was not bad at all. It applied to the whole idea of theme.


OVER ALL

>nice..good read. keep them comming and yeah if you would just allow a couple of ur time to reply to other stuff.and give at least a bit of comments and help out a bit.....that would be appreaciated by us. Thanks!

P.S.

Might wanna reconsider dropping something on Rhetorical Insights. It would be so fun reading what u gonna put on there. Thanks!

__________________
<br><br><center>- Shiznit -
- Tampons are still expensive -
- That's a Fact - </center>

.....My Sentiments Exactly (Varento & Shiznit)

Your Lines From The First Six Are Overstreached
And Its Like You Just Looked For Words To Toss In
The Bucket Like Fuck It Opposed To Executing The Rhyme
Which Could Definately Be Ill..The Vocabs There But
It Isnt ( Is Not )

The Last Six Lines Arent English ( Project Or Whatever)
Overall Its Like Not Getting A Paycheck On The First
But Stay With It Because Someone Can Make It Nice....U

Hopefully Yo Girl Likes It Nahmean Knowwatimsayin
Dunny Boy Boy Forreal Forrreal Word..Word?..
Thats Word Doggie Play Dis Rite Herr For Your Shorty

Apathy - Earth Girls Are Easy...Youll Get Some Lovin

Peace

Thanks for the feedback guys.....always good to see where i could improve, and i think you're all right on this one.....i've got lots of other prewritten poetic-type drops, i'll keep them coming every now and then.

and yeah - i'll comment on some other stuff in this section fairly soon, i've been busy the last few days so i haven't really had much time to explore the boards.....