Colors
-Phrantik

Colors.. drip and pour, then and now.
expressing feelings intently when the rain-bows.
a flood of emotion, from the heart and soul.
where one box of crayons can express the whole.
red in rage, kids break through the cage
and punish their parents so they act their age
a 50 year old man, with a crayon in his hand
leavin impressions of anger like feet in the sand
in a world that is doomed, all hope is consumed
an old man with crayons had his life just ruined
a red crayon held tight, throughout the long night
as it unleashed the blood of his life long fright
one color down, yet a few more to go
as emotions drips feeling like the rainbow
little boy blue, away.. he's secluded from you
tears rains from his eyes as he cant decide what to do
but right near his side, is his crayon that he hides
as he continues to write about why his eyes cry
scratching his color, til his crayon gets duller
he spells out why he is missing his mother
a drunken dad, age 50 with a crayon gone mad
has killed his wife, and made the world sad...
the story unfolds as the rainbow faints
a world of color is what my finger-paints
the man so near, the boy starts feeling fear
forgets his blues and grows quiet so you cant hear
he is so afraid, that his dad wont behave
and punishing him is the way he wont be saved
unless forever, which will come soon never
his fear bottles up to become so clever
in a cold sweat, his palms soaken wet
he reaches out and grabs the mans neck
holding it tight, throughout the long night
he drops the blue crayon he once used to write
from anger to the blues, to fearful thoughts
my story is unravelled like careless knots
the man holds on, being choked he's almost gone
he's strucken green thumbed like his front lawn
over come with a hate, for his own blooded mate
he's being killed by his son, like his wifes late fate
stricken with thirst, to be his son, he could burst
but when he's free on the road, he'll be in a hurst
his time runs dry, he is angry, sad, and scared to die
and as his eye waters upyou can see him cry
with not long to go, till the end of our show
he dies, stops crying, and makes a rainbow...
the doors of opportunity close their golden locks
as the boy put red, blue, yellow and green back in their box...

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Not bad Tik, concept was pretty original actually, ive not seen it done before, multi's and internals need work, you didnt use many of them in this but you kept the flow up regardless. Rain Bows line stood out, and was good, but seriously - if you'd of re-worded that line it would of been dope! I liked how you linked the 'express the whole' then switched it into red, very nicely done but the rhyming words were basic, and i felt you could of done more w/ the red verse if you'd made it longer. Again, 'little boy blue, away. .' nice line, but if you'd of worded it more, it could of been sooooo dope. Blue verse was a lot better imagery and emotionally, i got the feeling the blue verse was from the 'son' and the red verse was the 'dad' ... yellow verse got more into the story, imagery wasnt as good, again, i felt it could of been made a little longer to get more indepth w/ the surroundings / emotional and imageric aspects. 'forget his 'blues' line stood out to me, worded good this time, although - i didnt know if you meant it to be subtle wordplay or not, lol. green verse really threw me w/ this line: "he's being killed by his son, like his wifes late fate" - because it sounds as if the son killed the mom, but i thought you said it was the father? may need re-wording of that. .
last two lines were good, rounded off the piece nicely, good job Tik!

Sorry for only picking faults, but its the only way you'll learn is through constructive critisism, thats why i did it. you wouldnt learn anything from me just saying 'this was dope' so dont feel bad. : )

Reply to my piece! Its the one by Baron Mynd with the exclamation mark cause i couldnt think of a title, lol.

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W o r d P e r f e c t

Very tight piece man...the concept has been done, but you took it to a whole new level, with the colors and crayons. I don't know if this is what you were intending, but with the son and his crayons he seems to be innocent even while commiting the murder. Very dope indeed. I sometimes struggled a bit with the flow, but it might have just been the way I was reading it. Also said above the one line 'he's being killed by his son, like his wifes late fate' kind of sounds like the son killed his mom...could be a tight line if you just change it around a bit. A very nice drop man, props to ya...9/10

can ya check out my piece...'A Drink to Many'

yo, I wasn't feelin' the concept... it was origional, but not my style... on tha real tho, the flow could've been better.. the vocab was good, wordplay was good.. there was a repetition I didn't get tho the 50 year old thing.. what's with that.. I took the overall meaning as a crayon box of emotions/life.. like an expression of soul thru colors, the crayon aspect gave it a certain childhood aspect.. maybe that's why u had the 50 yr old thing... like old meeting his youth... either way.. it was good...

peep my shit..http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthr...&threadid=73046

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Cam, thats why i respect you. thanks
everyone who replied... this was for the
RnR league.. we'll see how some vets felt..

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