All this rage bottled up, to keep the goal of a promised land/
I fucked up in Heaven, to come live life as a human/
A gift from God maybe comes to help on my journey/
But along the way, i sense snakes an' bitches who want to destroy me/
It may be Me against the world, i'm fightin my own war/
Lyrical dispense in my mind, display graphic images of gore/
too real to not be scared the threat lies deep within/
of an animal inside me, possibly crawling in my skin/
another persona in me, i can't seem to control/
i can't think straight when i'm angry, and its torturing my soul/
It seems too confusing to me to elaborate on what i have/
And all this drama around me, hint to my violent past/
The aura of its presence makes me scared of myself/
and its the only thing i turn to, when i can't resort to nothin else/
I don't want to hurt anyone, but i don't control my body no more/
And anger causes its power to rise and grow/
I have no more control, the world is cold to me/
Its cold and dark, maybe a bit to dark to see/
I can't take it no more, my life may juss come to an end/
How can i go through with this when only my creator is my Friend/
I ask Him for favors, sometimes he don't answer back/
Or He does but i'm too into myself to face the facts/
I try to live my life and it seems my life is done/
It all leads to this moment, from bad days, to lighthearted fun/
A faceoff against myslef, my chance are none-to-slim/
Because this kid, triggers the control, control given unto him/
and my bodily functions out of a calm state of mind/
to release myself of stress i must resort to this rhyme/
I lost control of my life, like a rabbit in the beak of a large bird/
I get ready for the death of my sanity, and all of a sudden my eyesight grows darker.../


kinda written to Nas' every ghetto beat, but this is actually happenin in my life, i'm not a skitzo or anything, but im havin problems and i'm involved in drama and shit, i finally get smacked in the face by reality...looking for constructive feedback.

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Only God can judge me, Who THE FUCK IS YOU?!

Well I don't typically get off on this but its a niece piece i can't reallly imagine the beat (DON"T LIKE NAS) but not bad son!

HOLLA

I liked this piece...nice flow...I didn't really see any multiez but you had some nice imagery... and I alwayz like dark topics like this for some reason...lol

this was a nice piece, you have the potential to do good in topicals.... u should join the league nahmean?

im in the league, already

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Only God can judge me, Who THE FUCK IS YOU?!

Yeah this was a decent piece, flow was there but some of the rhyming words were pretty basic, if you use multi's and internal rhyming constructively, you'll get rid of that factor. Your storytelling and imagery are your strongest aspects that shone in this piece, if you work on your emotional aspect, you could become quite a good topical writer, id say basically, shorten up your bar lengths so their almost equal each line, ariound 12-16 syllables per line i go for, if you work on that, add more internals and multi's, you'll improve a lot.

Im a vet here so like. . dont take what i say too hard, im just trying to tell you where to work on and what needs improving because no one learns anything from me saying "This was dope - i liked it" so any wakes, take what ive said and work on it. Your not half bad.

Reply to mine:
Burnt Bridges
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=70954
Wonderful Women
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=70898

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W o r d P e r f e c t

THIS WAS A PRETTY NICE DROP MAN! I LIKE THE THEME AND IDEA TO IT, BUT SOME OF THE WORDS YOU PICKED TO RHYME WERE OFF. THE WHOLE SCENARIO WAS ILL THOUGH, AND I'M SURE A GREAT DEAL OF CATS ON THE BOARDS CAN RELATE TO WHAT YOU WERE SPITTING HERE. KEEP DOING YOUR THANG SON! ONE!