death is restless, despite relentless repentance//
he yearns for earth to burn with sulphuric stenchs//
he senses, that our world is falling to chaotic ruin//
his hand clenchs the evil and hate that we've been brewin//
deaths in wars attracts scores of deamons from hells deepest cores//
dragging more infidels to the floor of brimstone shores//
moralities backbone is tore, opens the door to apocalyptic battle//
society dismantles, and frigid winds blow the fire from its candle*//
he tirelessly watchs,and campaigns against rightousness//
and destroys those who reign and those who fight for this//
takes lives and conquers with, a hand becoming of pervasive evil//
one that abolishs the last stand and persuades the feeble//
to join an army of disciples, common trifles turn into war for titles//
**a recitle of misguided rifles firing upon an innocent child**//
a long line of single filed men march into thier fates//
unable to defend against the destiny that awaits//
lives negate, eventually ceasing all living existence//
I non-intentionally broke the never-ending repitition//
and now i wait, for another life in this world to be passed//
or for my own meak reality to be stripped from my grasp//
i ask myself; how long must it last, before ive finished my task?//

**:taking over the world without knowing they are

this was my first ever attempt at doing something with a topic, so i just wanted to some feedback on how it was...

definately feeling the 'can-i-bus' 'rip-da-jacka' 'levitbus' shit in dis, we gotta have to do a collab, my msn messenger hotmail add is:

oxigin1@hotmail.com

by a way:


sick rhymes, i can tell you took time to do these line



certain philosphy/metaphorical teaching in ya words sta, hit me up and we can do a collab aight

for sure

as expected you came raw the begining would catch a blind mans' eye it was raw in all forms very graphic i feel uneek there was def a canibus influence to this

uppin

uppin,,,

-Claps for you-..I'm glad you decided to do a topical piece..

You and WORD+PERFECT...Work well and elevate quickly..I wish i would have elevated this quckly when i started out..

death is restless, despite relentless repentance//
he yearns for earth to burn with sulphuric stenchs//

The imagery is what catches my eye here..The multis are there somewhat..But the inner rhyme scheme sticks out to me..If you do it like this multis are not the biggest concern..The start of this is sickly influential and props to that..Next bar..

he senses, that our world is falling to chaotic ruin//
his hand clenchs the evil and hate that we've been brewin//

Say what..? ...Haha, see this is good shit..The imagery once again is beautifull.."His hand clenchs the evil and hate that we've been brwein".."World is falling to chaotic ruin"..Just the details are great...Then the rhyme scheme with clenchs/senses..At the begining of each lines helps it..


deaths in wars attracts scores of deamons from hells deepest cores//
dragging more infidels to the floor of brimstone shores//

Ah, the multi isn' there..I know you think it is..But it remains one syllable thru three sequenses in each line..A multi is two or more syllables..Shores/floor/More/wars/scores/cores..All one syllable and scattered thru the lines..BUT the flow is so dope you don't need the multi..And.."Brimstone shores"..Love the vocab...Content is PACKED..


moralities backbone is tore, opens the door to apocalyptic battle//
society dismantles, and frigid winds blow the fire from its candle*//

oH...No..LIGHTS OUT!...Haha, i usually don't enjoy reading anything much..But just seeing how much you've elevated since yesterday is like..A miracle LOL...You went from weak hardcore raps..To this...


he tirelessly watchs,and campaigns against rightousness//
and destroys those who reign and those who fight for this//

Oh, that's the multi power i'm looking for!...And you kept the content good..Tho you're imagery is lacking here..

takes lives and conquers with, a hand becoming of pervasive evil//
one that abolishs the last stand and persuades the feeble//

Five syllable multi!...And the concept from the line connect is dope too..Really nice lines here..


to join an army of disciples, common trifles turn into war for titles//
**a recitle of misguided rifles firing upon an innocent child**//
a long line of single filed men march into thier fates//
unable to defend against the destiny that awaits//

Kind of reminds me of hell/wrath/abomination..Good content..Seems you're going a little more emotional than wicked here..The evil tone of it faultered them comes the remorseful tone..So it seems..Good lines tho..


lives negate, eventually ceasing all living existence//
I non-intentionally broke the never-ending repitition//

WHAT? ...DID HE JUST SAY?...I love that last line...

and now i wait, for another life in this world to be passed//
or for my own meak reality to be stripped from my grasp//
i ask myself; how long must it last, before ive finished my task?//

One more line would have been much better...But this is fine..Nice ending..


Overall this wasn't as good as i made it out to be..As far as comparing to a regular sicko-meter...But for how much you've elevated you should be one of the best on this site within a few weeks if u stick at it..I sensed hard work went into this..If not and it was just effortless than i give u a week!..Really tho, i'm proud of you..I could tell you was wanting to elevate alot..And you have..So props to that and keep at it..

1ne

Hey honey,

Hey honey, That was absoluty magnifieing. I not only was emotional it was active. I never thought that you were that good, but I guess I was wrong. This makes me think differently about this whole rap thing. I used to hate it and now I realized that rap is just a way of showing your feelings, and i know now that you can't express your feelings about anything unless it is through rap. I have read some of your other work and this just seems to be one of the best so far. I agree with LIKEWISE, if you keep up with it you will be on the top and better then a lot of these other fools. Excellent job honey, you deserve a huge HUG AND KISS for that one lol. Good job! I am dying to hear and read someof your other work. KEEP IT UP!

thanks hun, and thank you like-wise, i can always expect great feedback from you.

if ur on hun, call me...

yo me you and LIKEWISE need to collab no doubt twin

^^ for sure