"Experiences Expanded"

A million word wouldn’t have brought you back cuz I’ve tried
Neither would a million tear because you know I’ve cried
And If the only way I could see your face was in my dream I’d sleep forever
To see you get into mischief but get out just as clever
The Day I’ll see your face again is called “Never"
But looking back I realize that things can Only get better

This is a little glance at my Floetic state of mind
I write word between these fine lines
But still smooth , never hesitating to spit a quick rhyme

But a though to ponder. We all lose loved ones
Life began, From Womb to tomb livin an eternal life of glory or doom
These lives theses “Fake Killas” consume
So still they just assume, they can take lives but never give
They, the Killers, the only living memory of someone’s life never lived
Mother & Father lost, all that was left was a lone, poor, innocent kid

So there was my Horizon Expanded
Hopefully the words I’ve expresses are on your minds branded
One of life lesson’s is you can’t take back things already Did
But as a poet once said the only thing to do with life…..IS LIVE

uppin 4 sum feedbak~1~

It's...a down to earh peice with earthly veiws, but somehow dreamy, a sense of longing, and definitely a sense of emotion, but it's natural, not strecthed or false.......

I could feel it, but it wasn't overdone, sincere and poetic, the rhymin could be worked on...
It had wisdom too, but youthful wisdom, newly ofund ideas

It sounded amateurish, and that made it good, you weren't trying too hard, just telling it like it is And most of all, something i value in battles and poetry, you had heart in it....
Couldn't find enough wrong with it to complain about...

you won me over with this peice, potential wrapped in emotion and i look forward to more...

^^Er, i couldn't help but glance at prophit's comments. His first line caught my eyes. And though i hate to do this, i totally agree with what he said.

Especially how it sounded amaterish, but that added to the effect of the piece.

I most definetly enjoyed reading this piece. You seem to have put a lot into it. And got something raw and bursting...

..resp...

your definately a different person*
and I honestly hope that you continue
expanding for good and representing
for yourself first and foremost...

nothing to critique here..your thoughts
came across well for the most part...

well done

la paz

P.S..please dont double post..its not difficult

Shiznit's Thoughts:


Surely a very inspiring piece.

THe terms flowed through the whole piece evenly. The one thing that ive noticed is how the way uve constructed this. THe Rhyme Scheme often showed how well youve compiled it so that it would fit over all. Youve started with a swept away intro. The you rhymed through with it. THen as i read further down. The Rhyme Scheme changed...not in a bad way but in somewhat confusing that affected the flow of it but not entirely.

THe content was very much emotional. Expanded creativeness is what uve expressed.

Its good.

Rhetorical Insights Week VII is up. Drop one in there if you have time. THanks!

__________________
<br><br><center>- Shiznit -
- Tampons are still expensive -
- That's a Fact - </center>

word

Deadly alliance seems to agree with everyone, not that i mind if he agree's wit me

Regardin Shiznit's remark: 'somewhat confusing that affected the flow of it but not entirely.'

There is never anything wrong with a poem, all of it is there for a subconcsious reason so long as it's written from the heart, and not insincere...
This confusing flow showed that you weren't completely sure about new discoveries, but the change showed a change in you, very advanced...advanced yet amateurish....I think i'm confused!!!