RapVerse.com Community - tryed summin a lil diff...check it out...

08-23-03, 02:28 AM

rule

..Soft Focus..

Posts: 1,639

Joined: Jun 2003

From: Ont.

Status: Offline

Text Record: 21-12

Audio Record: 0-0

Graphics Record: 0-0

tryed summin a lil diff...check it out...

IP: 5FEF A432

holden the pen to the pad as if it were my soul...
written shit down at a rate thats out'a control...
solid mind ready to grow show the world wut i behold...
multies an metaphores in'a rapped up towel ready to unfold...

{verse 1}

Im'a fuckin crazy soldja no tellin how im'a mold then kill ya/
scary as shit om the mic i cause rap artist's rap-aphobia/
i write the devils scripts lyrics so dark i cause a looner e-clipse/
i got punch lines that hit harder then your incomin closed fist/
save it bitch you cant handle my work call a lyrical docter/
in'a sentance you need a -verd- -adjective- -noun- now go write summin proper/
pickin on you clowns is maken me get crazy an hyper/
prohibitaded to girls in face is that why ya ass cyber/
cuz the girl you wanted turned you down said "i'd rather have her"/
Eventually everybodys gunna grow up but you still rhyme out'a luck/
got turned down by the "love god" so went gay an got ass fucked/
damn thats gross, iono wuts worse fakes or transexual hursts/
transexuals are normally prostituts or fake rappers waiten for the H-I-V bubble to burst/
didnt you learn in health class if you pee out green you shud prolly go get seen/
your a bums underwear selection no use in protection your never gunna be clean/
im'a paralize clowns wit lyrics that dislocate your spine to your brain/
spontanious aint i? your a lyrical dog waitin to be set free off yah chain/
disregarden yes, take me how you plez but my style will remain the same/

holden the pen to the pad as if it were my soul...
written shit down at a rate thats out'a control...
solid mind ready to grow show the world wut i behold...
multies an metaphores in'a rapped up towel ready to unfold...

{verse 2}

you couldnt elavate if i gave you a latter let alone hold in your blatter/
yo dawg wuz a matter me comen in the picture make yah world shatter/
im'a slice yah bitch stab you in the wind pipe cuz yah voice dont sound right/
be ya nightmare at night your a fat ass dont you go sayin your cut tight/
phoney artists sayen they gangsta then crossdresson for a nights work/
tell yah lyrics went bazurk fagget cat dick sucker you rather wear a damn skirt/
the next joint i make i'll give you a shout out long as you give me the doh in tha purse/
an if not i'll drop summin so hot it looks burnt an makes yah eye balls hurt/
I'ma show dis world im'a young work horse...
elavaten to exscape from written forced...
im spitten flames now...prepare to be torched...

holden the pen to the pad as if it were my soul...
written shit down at a rate thats out'a control...
solid mind ready to grow show the world wut i behold...
multies an metaphores in'a rapped up towel ready to unfold...

__________________
Open Mics
The Weathers Art
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108673
My Teenage Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=104850
Secluded
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...851#post1148851
Open Your Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...461#post1157461

08-23-03, 02:59 AM

rule

..Soft Focus..

Posts: 1,639

Joined: Jun 2003

From: Ont.

Status: Offline

Text Record: 21-12

Audio Record: 0-0

Graphics Record: 0-0

IP: 5FEF A432

uppen for some feed back...dont sleep

08-23-03, 03:13 AM

Verbatim

That's Right...I'm White

Posts: 548

Joined: Dec 2002

From: Canada

Status: Offline

IP: F901 3CCE

yeh this shit was tight
nice flow, nice vocab and wordplay
keep droppin
peace

08-23-03, 04:09 AM

rule

..Soft Focus..

Posts: 1,639

Joined: Jun 2003

From: Ont.

Status: Offline

Text Record: 21-12

Audio Record: 0-0

Graphics Record: 0-0

IP: E270 CC73

UPPEN!!!!!...check it out...peace

08-23-03, 11:49 PM

Omniverse

Guest

Posts: n/a

Joined:

Status:

Text Record: 0-1

Audio Record: 0-0

Graphics Record: 0-0

IP: C1DA C961

You had pretty good flow, nice vocab, and some solid multis. Try not to jump around so much without linking phrases...

08-24-03, 01:33 AM

rule

..Soft Focus..

Posts: 1,639

Joined: Jun 2003

From: Ont.

Status: Offline

Text Record: 21-12

Audio Record: 0-0

Graphics Record: 0-0

IP: 2FBC B8CA

aiight i'll try it man thanks..needen some more feedback uppen....

08-24-03, 01:54 PM

rule

..Soft Focus..

Posts: 1,639

Joined: Jun 2003

From: Ont.

Status: Offline

Text Record: 21-12

Audio Record: 0-0

Graphics Record: 0-0

IP: 263C 8D54

UPPIN FO SUM MORE FEED BACK!~!~~!~~

08-27-03, 01:28 AM

rule

..Soft Focus..

Posts: 1,639

Joined: Jun 2003

From: Ont.

Status: Offline

Text Record: 21-12

Audio Record: 0-0

Graphics Record: 0-0

IP: 4DE3 E3F2

UPPEN THIS CHECK IT AN GIVE FEED BAK

08-27-03, 02:27 AM

!nfinitE_

Guest

Posts: n/a

Joined:

Status:

Text Record: 0-1

Audio Record: 0-0

Graphics Record: 0-0

IP: 305B 92B4

verse 1.. good flow.. I could see some newb style mixed with a more intermediate style with some of the way it was set up.. alright stuff though.. it went from good in the starting and kinda fell off lyrics wise to the sorta newb style after the middle and I wasn't feelin' u using those first 2 bars at the beginning AND end.. sorta didn't fit to me, but alright...

verse 2: sorta the same thing.. came good at the beginning and became newbish in the middle:
"tell yah lyrics went bazurk fagget cat dick sucker you rather wear a damn skirt/".. wasn't feeling all of the namse and stuff.. just sorta took away from the piece.. but I thought the ending was tight and probably the best part of ya verse..

i see now that the repeating part is a type of chorus and it's alright for a chorus, but might have been misplaced into the whole drop cuz it doesn't really go, to me.. but good stuff..

keep elevating..

-Ie

Thread Tools	Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Email this Page	Search this Thread: Advanced Search
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode