Somethin New....Topic chosen by one of my buddies

TOPIC: Strugles

Poor:
Leavin the Ghetto Neigbourhood
Enterin the Territory of Good
It's not Socialably Acceptable
For the Poor to Be Suceptible
They Wanna See the Light of Another Day
It's Not Like You Can't Afford to Donate Some Pay
How do You Know Your Fundin an Addict
The Movies Make This Shit All Dramatic

Realize:
But Do You All See the Whole Picture
How Do They Survive From Year To Year
Some of Them Don't, That's Just Reality
They Just Can't Deal with The Street Mentality
The "Fight To Survive" Makes Them Despearate
To Eliminate Any Single Potential Threat
We All See Through the Blue Lens
But How Do We Prevent Becoming Lenders
The More Money We Spend Again and Again
The More Social Status We Continually Obtain

Teens:
The Media Makes This World So Material
Everyone Important Wants To Be a Symbol
Us Teens Get Pulled Apart
We Just Don't Follow Our Heart
Women Bein Provactive Sluts
Tryin To Attract the Opposite Sex
They Let Them In And Get Knocked Up
Then It's Our Fault For Not Bein Tough
We Do Have Them Stan's In The World
Their Emotions Just Fucking Unfurled

Parents:
They Only Married Each Other For the Child
Talkin With Their Fists Makes Everything So Wild
The Kid Watchs Down the Hall
As His Mom Fuckin Falls
He Panics and Leaves Here Layin There
Her Blood Staining the Carpet Everywhere
"Mommy, wake up" He Screams In Distress
Her Body Just Lays There Lifeless
No Sign Of His Father
But He Knew This Situation Might Occur

Revenge:
He Saved Up His Allowance
So He Could Have His Day Of Vengance
He Bought a Piece From a Buddy at School
He Was Sick of Watchin His Father Be Cruel
He Raced To His Room and Loaded The Clip
Shakin So Bad He Could Barely Get The Handgrip
He Doesn't Want To Be Another Victim
It's The Last Thing He Wanted To Become
He Raised the Heat To His Head
His Tears Piercing His Face Unsaid
Cocked The Pistol And Heard a Slam
Cussin and Swearin He Kept Sayin Damn
His Father Came Back And His Emotions Overcame
Father Realized His Baby's Mother Lay Slain
He Looked Up To See His Baby Aiming Straight at His Head
"You Moutherfucker! I Will Create More Bloodshed!"
Trigger Was Pulled And It Splattered
"How Dare You Kill Her You Bastard"
Sorry Father For I Have Sinned Tonite
But This is The Night Where I Give Up The Fight

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I Speak Out
Battles
Pink Slips 007 Pt. 2

take the caps off but this was a constructive and also a great peace. the rhyme scheme fell a lil but the topic and how you fed it made up for that.keep doing you i will be checking on your ish

the concept was good, the lyrics were basic in all aspects. you need to elavate your vocab and add a multi or 6, paint a clearer image with your words.

point taken...this my first stab at topical...all feedback is needed..uppin

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I Speak Out
Battles
Pink Slips 007 Pt. 2

uppin

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I Speak Out
Battles
Pink Slips 007 Pt. 2

yo... this was aight... I like how you chose to rap about different aspects of that topic...
shit was aight for a first topical verse...
and yo in my opinion, it's harder sometimes trying to have strong vocab, multies and flow when writting a topical than it is just straight spittin... sometimes the messege suffers... just gottah try and find a balance between all those things... Just keep at it, you'll get it soon enough...
-1-

for a first time shot at topical you brought some good heat...spoke good emotion an a good story line brought a lot of things that people hear but ywet to understand it was a good peice for a first shot keep spittin an grow 1

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Open Mics
The Weathers Art
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108673
My Teenage Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=104850
Secluded
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...851#post1148851
Open Your Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...461#post1157461

Very dope verse...
Deep and storylike.
Kinda thought you reached for vocab here and there.
But aside from that...
Pretty damn respectable.

Peace

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thanks for the feedback...still need more...uppin yall

__________________

I Speak Out
Battles
Pink Slips 007 Pt. 2