Who could relate//
to my drugs that sedate fate//
or who could impose blows//
that open and close flows//
all these peoples cries//
equalize equal lies//
to deceteful mines//
cuz I bleek lines//
of street minds//
defeat crimes//
to peace times//

LET ME SWITCH IT UP

Why does god punish the good with deaf muteness, speach impediments why//
my life is like biggie albums I was born again now i'm ready to die//
Fuck it, no more waisten time... time is for written//
Is this rap shit my destiny or my whole life I been lyin//
But I cant think my old ways are clouded//
To many relentless days I been doubted//
And I cant do what I use to do//
Cuz my futures been closed shut wit super glue//
Fallen commrads make me wanna scream in silence//
Have no regrets motha fuckas life is timeless//
Whats behind the galaxies stars and the planets//
Are there any other guidlines as far as commandments//
To many nights watchin my parents sufferin i aint frontin//
and i got to much desire for me to amount to nothin//
And my attacking is relentless now//
so theres no way ima let my deffenses down//
cuz when push comes to shove my responses are deadly//
hang me, torture me, burn me, behead me// DAMN
whats happenin to the way i think.. the way i act//
holidays made the pain come back//


i guess thats it try to relate -1- hit me back !!

you do have some potential...but you need to structure your rhymes better, instead off
xxxxx xxxx xxxxx A
xxxxx xxxx xxxxx A

use

xxxxx A xxxxxx A
A xxxxxx xxx xxxxxx A

[A being the rhymin word)

anyway:
You did show that you changed style, the first being slow and laid back, the 2nd being fast, and upbeat. You ceratinly have a good VOCAB, not much in the need of improving there, and your WORDPLAY was good too:
"Why does god punish the good with deaf muteness, speach impediments why//
my life is like biggie albums I was born again now i'm ready to die//" - dope....

We all can relate to these types of pieces, ut try to keep the content on the topic, but you did do well..

OVERALL: 7/10, was nice, touch it up here and there, but big props.

word thanx for da feed back uppin for more advice

upppin for responses

Yeah this peice was alright, need to work on the structure a little bit, your flow was pretty good, and your vocab was good as well, you had good wordplay, Keep Dropping, and if you get the chance check out me and Gene Pools new peice he will be posting up later today called "nice guys finish last", thanks.

i hit it up thanx for da feed back -1-

Stop Upping This Thread

i thought this post was pretty good. like a bunch of other people said u should work on the structure a little, the vocab was ok, the wordplay was good, and the content and topic were semi original. overall id rate it a 7-7.5/10. pretty good post dude. keep postin and elevatin cause i enjoyed readin that.

yo if u have the time can u check out my post?
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=81167
thanx

peace.....