this is for my ex kim who tore my still beating hreart from my chest and wore it as her crown...


Blood slowly drips from my wounds and my
adrenaline level rushes higher & higher.
I sit thinking this thing called life is
almost over.There is a little tinge of fear
now i can see the blood pooling around me
and i feel my body growing weaker. Things are
getting darker now i can barely see. i know that my mom
is crying and i say "its ok mom i'm ready to
go.tell kim this is for her" things go dark
as i pass out from lack of blood. I wake up
in the hospital trying to remember and there
she is in my mind. I can see my old cutting
knife. I'm hooked up to an iv and i can can see the
bag of blood they're putting into me.

it seems you are very bent out of shape about this, love always
has a way of kicking you in the ass. Try to put less anger because
your pain is clouded. It still usually feels good to write out what
you feel anyways. Content wasnt that bad you made it pretty
vivid but its just lacking something....i know try to put some
metaphors that is what gets people hook on writing, and try
to space it out and make it clear when one sentence begins
and another one ends. Keep writing.

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<BR><h3><color=black><center><MARQUEE BEHAVIOR=scroll DIRECTION=left LOOP=infinite scrollamount=1 width=300>*~*~*Lady Wun*~*~*</MARQUEE></color></center></h3>
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<BR><MARQUEE BEHAVIOR=scroll DIRECTION=up LOOP=infinite scrollamount=1 height=100> <center><font color=000000><I>*~*~*~*~*</p>I'm invisible to the unseen eye</p>I'm undeniable strength</p>*~*~*~*~*~*</p>Merk Squad</MARQUEE></center><I>

i agree love always does seem to have a way of kicking you in the ass, no matter how hard you try sometimes, but its just cause your one true love, soul mate, is still waiting to meet you, oh thats what i wish to think.

when i first read the big read letters the first thought that crossed my mind was this is going to be some rip off of an eminem i hate kim thing, but it wasnt. This piece was full of hard emotion, i could feel it, i could picture you like shaking almost when you were scratching this down, you really did good venting

but in the end i felt like it could have kept going, it just seemed to end so so fast you wake up and its over, it would be good for the middle, so try making the piece feel complet for ppl reading this that dont know what happened or whats going on.

also work on your structure and flow some, the way this was set up didnt make it an easy read to get a flow into, instead it makes it so im to busy trying to figure out when a sentence ends.

~Tera~
DONT HATE

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I'm actually the first to bitch about proper structure in peices. But there are in fact times when it's not called for. Generally in emo-avant-garde peices. Like this one. Suprisingly I had no trouble reading this, but generally with peices that have this mud fluid flow, I'd have trouble. This one I didn't stumble, but others did. So that's cut.

Anyway... as for the actualy peice itself. I really really liked it. I mean, I don't like that you had some girl rip your heart out, I just liked how you were able to capture it so vividly.

Personally, the part where you say "its ok mom i'm ready to
go.tell kim this is for her", that's what really got me deep. I mean, really, when do we know when we are ready to die? And by saying it's ok, does it make it any better for our loved ones? Something I'm sure we've all thought about.

Anyway, I think it's good I've read one of your peices. Seriously, keep dropping. I'll try and hit you up with replys and forgive me if I don't.

~Shalom~

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Quote:

Originally posted by Bruklor Nec is just dumb

I'm taking that as a compliment.

I Liked Your Piece To make A Long Story Short It Was Tight!

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