This is a diss I wrote to a guy I go to school with. I would like to get some feedback on it before making it into an audio peice. Thanks for those who do take the time to read and respond.


[OPENING]
Yo
Yo
Let me tell y'all about this faggot I know
You ready to get ripped apart dogg?
Yo

[VERSE 1]
This bitch is gonna get it like a .45 hit
Cuz I'ma spit my answer to all his bullshit
At first I liked you it's true my view was askew
But as I grew I began to see the bitch in you
Anger has formed, my tongue'll cause a severe storm
I'ma warn you that when we meet you gonna get torn
A friendship lost but it was never worth the cost
I'ma release so much heat they'll call me "Exhaust"
Don't try to make peace or you'll wind up deceased
An increase of this horror will be quickly released
I feel this way and will portay you as a gay
You're gonna feel my array from now till judgement day
Lost control, my soul has a hole thats why yours I stole
You just a kid man so change your name to Nicole
Little bitch pretendin' to be somethin' he's not
I know your soft spot, it's 'bout to get hit a whole lot
We were never the same, simply put you're lame
You played the wrong game now prepare for my internal flame
Your picture's on the wall in the losers hall of fame
I'm not even gonna mention your name, I'm ashamed
Things eventually became sickly and my blood runs thickly
I quickly speak slickly and wickedly, it's the shady in me
And this is no bluff, things have sure enough turned rough
So get tough, my actions will leave me in hand cuffs
No shock you were always seen through the eyes of my glock
This is an onslaught that will last till the day I rot
The tables have turned and it's your turn to get burned
You never learn and for the aftermath I won't be concerned
It didn't have to come to this but now I'm pissed
You have to be the first one I cross off my shit list
Cause you's a bitch

[CHORUS: 2X]
This has been my rap/hip-hop session
An expression of my hating obssesion

[VERSE 2]
Your breathin' days will soon come to a distinct end
Hearin' this track spin is like a lethal injection
I'ma have Slim help put a nail in your coffin
You're up against a man who'll end your life's existence
I'll leave you tense without sense at any expense
And all you had to do was keep your mouth shut but
You couldn't so I'm gonna have to shut it up
My words are extremely sharp even worse is their cut
A climax thriller from a physcopath killer
Not cancer I'm iller, fluent lyricist spiller
Rap lord that'll erase you like chalk off a blackboard
This beef is assured, comes with a ticket to the morgue
Don't be fearin' a knife cause I carry a sword
You'll get beat and left every color of the rainbow
And when you see me you better lay low fo' show
Believe me when I say you gon' feel this poisonous flow
You can eat all them charms to try to increase your luck
I'ma still bring my goods like a Fed-Ex delivery truck
It's elusive, we are mutually exclusive
I'm physically and mentally abusive
My heart spills through my pen and onto the paper
These waves will travel though the air like water vapour
I'm the definition of a demolition of social acquisition
Full of ambition to see your submission by ammunition
This song is labeled with an advisory for the parental
It's sentimenal, even the instrumental's monumental
You'll never be within' my category of recieved glory
Even if I was to hand you my complete inventory
Letters, words, paragraphs, makes a masterpiece
My frustration level on this topic will never decrease
I watched time pass, I was a social outcast
You combined with all your friends and I'm still unsurpassed
I'll leave you all in a state of Irag when this bomb blast
I possess too much success and always transgress
You've been merked at this point, I'll continue nonetheless
I don't even need to write a third verse to reimburse
You couldn't back your shit up if you spit it in reverse
Lemme show you to the hearse

[CHORUS: 2X]
This has been my rap/hip-hop session
An expression of my hating obssesion

[OUTRO]
All you had to do was not mention my name
And it wouldn't of come to this
But since you did up and start it
Someone's gotta finish it
You Know?
But you can't rewind the past so...
This is only the beginning dogg
The rest comes later
HAHAHA

aight homie my opinion is this was a weak diss........i thought ur structure was pretty weak........i never really caught onto ur flow......ur vocab was ok, but ur rhyme scheme sucked.........ur wordplay definetely needs to be elevated........next time try and include a few more multis and metas.......good try though......keep postin and elevatin homie.....

peace........

Yeah, this is my first song I've wrote so I know it aint hot. Thanks for the feedback.

not a god flow
this stunk
i understan it was your first song
just keep workin on it
youll get it right if you practice
<~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>

Anyone else wanna tell me 'bout how bad this sucked?

LONG... and i mean damn it was long
Good thing you got right to the point, keep it short and sweet
LOL kidding

The guys above me said this but im going to break it down. the flow was off because your rhyme scheme wasnt consistent.. if you just stay on rhyming the last word of each the flow can be easier. 2nd aspect to flow is line lenght...easy check for that is just to say each line slowly to your self so you can see that one runs longer than the other... when that happens it hurts the verse. 3rd flow test, hardest is to do each line by a syllabul count... each person flows differently so find wich syllabul per line is best for you and stick to that

all that will make your pieces harder to do, but they will come out better

if that wasnt feedback what it... please hit me back
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=84636

Thanks for reading and responding.

long ass verses but ye it was tight