Sometimes I feel depressed searchin the anti depressants,
Can’t keep it bottled up, pour it on anyone in my presence,
I’m never sure of my next move but I’m always confused,
And when the presence of another steps into play I never refuse,
Someone call me a priest my faith in god is evaporating,
My mind is decapitating, flooded pain like pollution contaminating,
How can I love another to take the worst of the pain away?
Can’t pull myself out of this entrapment wishing to fade away,
Life is mistreated and the continuous struggle creates havoc,
I’d love to be sane and lock away the pain under a mattress,
Watch as I prepare to propel throughout the industry,
Imprint myself on the very first pages of history,
Every last word that I quote will often be repeated,
If you weren't ready for reality then please remain seated...

Just a little something I have from a song "Constant Pain" so far, I haven't recorded the track yet, obviously.

Attached Images

grimmsta.jpg (13.6 KB, 21 views)

woah freaking pic!!!

Anywho, the piece.
The first thing is the intro, which is suppose to pull readers in
keep them on this page
And i didnt think this intro really servered its purpose
it didnt attract me
it seemed to be like the everyday stuff on here
pull away from the common phrases and words

The farther you go in this piece the better it gets structure and vocab, and interest wise. it starts to pull away from the ordinary.

Your conclusion was alright
it didnt leave a " thats it, its done" feelings to it
but it could go on
and like you said thats not it

Post the whole thing when its done

~Tera~
DONT HATE

__________________

yo that shit is pretty nice .... peace out

ok
this piece was straight
the first line was sort of weak, but the tpoic and concept was nice
you could work on it though
i think you should upp the vocabulary and work on your word play, if you do, the lines that can mean the same thing will have a stronger more deeper impact, you know
you want to branch away from the ordinary same ol same verses
but, the flow was str8, it was easy to read
overall iight drop
keep elevatin

__________________
~.:Soft Focus:.~
{--Deacon (\_/~\_/) Content --}
{-Calisto (\_/~\_/) .:Lady Sage:.-}
{--Filed (\_/~\_/) Domain 9--}
{-Thrust (\_/~\_/) Know1 (\_/~\_/) Emotion-}
{ --Rule (\_/~\_/) Mental God--}
Poetry
Don't Look Into My Eyes Forgotten
Understanding Once Again
"It requires wisdom to understand wisdom:
the music is nothing if the audience is deaf."