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11-05-03, 07:53 PM | #1 | |||
Fuck You, I Rhyme Better
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SS: No Tomorrow
IP: 4EC7 0981
Way she wears her clothes, hugging the curves never fails
Her dimples, her slightly up turned nose and her cute pigtails Her hazel mirrors shone, she had me by the first glance Disaster was prone, but I had to take the worst chance She change my style, now I always ask for her opinion Similar to her smile, her profile’s ahead of the competition As we became more intimate, we shared many hidden facts My hands explored her summit, she helped with my climax The sins in my mind were regressing, recoiled like a spring My barrier was only paper thin, the secret labeled string We both graduated at the same time, but different grades Our purity is called a crime, only because she’s underage Our love is a frail state, opinions make me cold and hollow Why is she called jail bait, without her there is no tomorrow Every city that I mapped, I will never live down that label I have never kidnapped, but I have just robbed the cradle Masta C – Try Me Sureal – Drugs Token – Fictional Piece If Possibe Can I Get Feedback On: Flow, Imagry, Content, Structure, Vocab, Wordplay...Thank You Last edited by The Realist : 11-05-03 at 11:28 PM. |
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11-05-03, 08:06 PM | #2 | ||||||
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IP: 002B 997E
OK IM NOT GONNA GIVE FEEDBACK BY UR STANDARDS BECUZ EVERYTHING WUZ ILL DAWG AND U JUSS KEEP EM COMIN CUZ THAT SHIT WUZ STRAIGHT FIRE PEACE
If u aint got ne thing usefull to say than dont day ne thing -Edicius Last edited by Edicius : 11-05-03 at 09:22 PM. |
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11-05-03, 08:13 PM | #3 | ||||||
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IP: 19AF 50C1
i wish you were still omen pop though you fell off some before you have obviecely rekindled your burning desire and skill this is just evidence.
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11-05-03, 09:17 PM | #4 | ||||
-Real Time-
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IP: FDD6 AE15
Flow Was The Best I've Seen From You, Fell Off In Some Places, Where A Word Should Have Been Added Or Takn Away, But Overall Good.
Imagery Was Alright, I Had a Good Sense Of What Was Going On, You Just Need To Work On This A Little Bit. Content Was Interesting, I Liked The Way You Came About The Pedaphile/ Cradle Robber View. Structure Was A Little Bit Lacking, This Is The Reason That The Flow Fell Off A Couple Times, Cuz Lines Had To Be Stretched To Fit The Structure. And Lastly Vocab Was Great, Broad Horizon Of Words Was Used, And Most Fit Well And Worked With The Story. Overall: A Very Nice Peice. |
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11-06-03, 06:20 PM | #5 | ||||||
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IP: 10E9 C9A3
OK FINE THEN ILL SAY SUMTHIN ELSE OK WELL U SHOULD UP YOUR VOCAB JUSS A LIL BIT AND YEAH UR FLOW DID FALL OFF AT TIMES SO THERE HAPPY NOW EDICIUS?
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11-08-03, 11:59 PM | #6 | ||||||
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IP: 32D9 0BD3
Was kinda wack..just work on the essentials (flow, multis,etc)..you will elevate over time..peace
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11-10-03, 11:05 PM | #7 | ||||||
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IP: 4F14 0CD2
nice imagery and vocab,u didnt overdo it on either.Obviuosly based onsum real sh!t and u explained tha situation very well.Stay ^
-Avi |
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11-10-03, 11:20 PM | #8 | ||||||
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IP: E38C 4580
Nice drop man. It was deep, very real. The last few bars was reminded me of R. Kelly, hah. Multi's were there, just not very useful. Flow stayed on, I really didn't see where it fell off. Guess it was the way I read it. Vocab was standard really, could be upped more. Some imagery was there, but if you were going for more, then you failed. Content was dope though, nice meaning to it. Enjoyed the read man.
Every city that I mapped, I will never live down that label I have never kidnapped, but I have just robbed the cradle ^^ Dope ender man, real nice. Keep um comin cuz. -Formula. http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=90922 ** Lemme get some feedback? ** |
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11-10-03, 11:22 PM | #9 | ||||
Fuck You, I Rhyme Better
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IP: EB5B 5D74
Quote:
What are you crazy...this is a fantasy...i dont break the law Blame my sister...always watching that damn Hillary Duff... Thanx for feedback...sorry im not good enough Ken |
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11-11-03, 01:03 AM | #10 | ||||||
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IP: 2A26 A9C2
We both graduated at the same time, but different grades
Our purity is called a crime, only because she’s underage loved it, havn't seen much of your shit, i like it so far |
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11-11-03, 01:28 AM | #11 | ||||||
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IP: 99A4 4566
lol ^that was mi favourite line too
allround nyce shit keep it crackin aiight Peace (v) |
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12-05-03, 02:25 AM | #12 | |||
Fuck You, I Rhyme Better
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IP: DF4D 73A6
uppin....
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