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11-26-03, 03:59 PM | #1 | ||
Sharp Perfection.
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sound familiar?
IP:
A place of uncontroled wonder
things go unexplained, Citazens there will cheat and steal they're lost in the worlds game. Depression rises daily in their charts nothing done to stop it, suicides and breakdowns all common yet no one seems to notice. Blackness fell upon this tiny town crushed its little bones, and every morning the bright sun does rise yet its heart remains stone cold. You look into this horrid living world and weep inside yourself, you've gripped hold my thoughtful message this picture is us......... ourselves. ~Tera~
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R.I.P to my lost girl
~ Nyla ~ keep singing in heaven Last edited by filed : 11-28-03 at 03:40 PM. |
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11-26-03, 04:09 PM | #2 | |
Guest
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IP:
very nice gurl...sorry, aint posted in a while, short but sweet, vocab was simple which helped get your message across perfectly. Loving it darling, keep on dropping.
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11-27-03, 01:10 PM | #3 | |
Light Weight
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IP:
Yeah, this was good. Unfortunately, what you described did sound familiar to me when I read it. People lying and cheating to get ahead. People getting depressed and killing themselves. Shit sucks. You wrote it well, though.
"Blackness fell upon this tiny town crushed its little bones, and every morning the bright son does rise yet its heart remains stone cold." ^Was my favorite part. Don't know why. Nice post. |
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11-27-03, 03:22 PM | #4 | ||
Special Ghost To Blow
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IP:
filed this was written very well and I liked how you wrapped it
up at the end saying its ourselves and explaining how we see this through our own eyes day in and day out because its true.. no matter where you live things happen and everythings not perfect even though we would all like it that way...ima stop why im at it but I liked what you had to say.. la paz |
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11-27-03, 04:16 PM | #5 | ||
Sharp Perfection.
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IP:
thanks all for your replies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! love you all lol!!!!!!!!
~Tera~ DONT HATE
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R.I.P to my lost girl
~ Nyla ~ keep singing in heaven |
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11-27-03, 09:13 PM | #6 | ||
I Am The Light
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IP:
interesting....soo true about these small towns...haha i live in one and everyone knows everything...the weak are weaker in these parts because they cant go without ridicule...but hey describing yourself as a town is cool too...am i making sense most likely not..but nice short piece i really enjoyed....i think the length was beautiful i hate when people tell me to lengthen pieces...their short for a purpose.....-1-
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SOFT FOCUS crew record (3-0) Wits end ~ DOI ~ Central....now who's next? sacred scriptures record (5-0) |
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11-27-03, 09:39 PM | #7 | |
BANNED
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IP:
Yeah its true i live in a small town and its exacly wat i feel about it... the lines words and feelins in this poem was well typed
peace |
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11-27-03, 10:28 PM | #8 | |
Flyweight
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IP:
Nice piece girl, i liked it
i think it goes for every where, not just small towns things go on and people just brush it off, b/c it doesnt affect them directly, but i think it affects everyone b/c eventually it'll catch up with us, and we will all suffer for being neglective *i dont mean we like WE, me and you and you, but the ones that brush it off, yea ok, you got it* this was a nice read keep it up
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~.:Soft Focus:.~ {--Deacon (\_/~\_/) Content --} {-Calisto (\_/~\_/) .:Lady Sage:.-} {--Filed (\_/~\_/) Domain 9--} {-Thrust (\_/~\_/) Know1 (\_/~\_/) Emotion-} { --Rule (\_/~\_/) Mental God--} Poetry Don't Look Into My Eyes Forgotten Understanding Once Again "It requires wisdom to understand wisdom: the music is nothing if the audience is deaf." |
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11-28-03, 04:16 AM | #9 | ||
New to RB
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IP:
It had potential and part of the messge was there but the poem itself was too elementary to tackle the topic you were going for.
I think you should work on spelling because it makes a difference down the road and in terms of interpretation of what is purposeful and what is not. It started off well and I was getting into it but you lost it in the second half. The third stanza... the 'son' line didn't work because I didn't know what sense you were using the word in, the contradiction does not make sense.... and I'm aware of the tool that it can be. It did not seem like you were using it as a justaposition to the darkness and it seemed uneasy. I also thought that your final stanza where you explained your meaning took away from the essence of it, but thats just my opinion. keep the ideas up though and tighten up delivery. good work. .peace.
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I'm a goblin hooked on rails, stuck drinking ale/ I'll rip the horn out a unicorn and shove it up your fairy tale. |
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11-28-03, 07:13 AM | #10 | ||
..Soft Focus..
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IP:
this was a good read, had a good content and i liked the wordplay very good keep it up pz
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Open Mics The Weathers Art http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108673 My Teenage Eyes http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=104850 Secluded http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...851#post1148851 Open Your Eyes http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...461#post1157461 |
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11-28-03, 07:34 PM | #11 | ||
Spectator
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IP:
Everything I was gonna say has been said... except this-
To me, when I read it, your 'tiny town' meant to me the world, the Earth.. perhaps because this piece can relate to everyone in a way... but I liked it, I thought it was a really nice way of reminding us just how small the World is, and we all live on it, and we all associate.. and our actions really do affect others. Perhaps you did just mean a tiny town lol I dont know.. but that was just my take on it..
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Great spirits often encounter violent opposition from mediocre minds.
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