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12-23-05, 10:59 PM | #1 | ||
yawn
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in all actuality
IP:
http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post2588429
http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post2588442 From when the autumn leaves blow, to the early arrival of snow Then the build of the show, Starring the manically depressed fellow, Whos words act as bellows Playing to a sad symphony of cellos Coaxing himself to let go Extremities build in his head Mind open, eyes glued to the ledge, To see what he might catch Toes curling on the edge He sends his conscious to fetch, the little of him That can deal with these threats And the Less then pleased wife Who lives with the strife of fighting every night shoves it all away with a clean swipe of a knife Perplexed deity, imaginative sights Blind her and Leave her questioning her own life Getting accustomed to the calloused knees Losing the will to leave everyone pleased Throwing it all away and grabbing her keys To get onto the path to self mutilation Shes the sign of digrace And any pain you might be facin To drive herself to only do wrong And lose herself in blood written song A child born, ill willed and ignored whos dad has been on a 2 year trip to the grocery store his dreams haunted, with a fathers face it seems more blurred day after day a mother, an addict to the forbidden and a needle though she seems fragile its the boys spirit thats feeble with no mentor, and no guidance his days begin and end in silence what a terrible curse, to be caught alone in ones mind love, life, will, happiness, in tightening binds hes the kid you would stare at, wondering if you were in there, what would you find? as his demons fill the chamber and he screams for the last time he blew a hole in hat precious head to show you whats inside a hard pill to swallow the paths some people follow thinking "how ignorant" "how selfish" "how can they just sit there and wallow" noone points these things out for a depressive reaction we want you fakers to change now eye liner, faking a self hating passion you all know real victims so show some decency
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12-24-05, 12:34 AM | #2 | |
New to RV
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IP:
not bad very decent.. 7/10 poem
~1~ |
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12-26-05, 01:03 PM | #3 | |
Banned: Biting
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IP:
A Descent peice man.
The opening stanza wasnt too good though, the rhyming scheme seemed forced. But it gradually got better. And ended as a descent poem. Getting accustomed to the calloused knees Losing the will to leave everyone pleased ^^ that was dope man, very deep. Overall not a bad peice atall. Keep writing |
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12-26-05, 01:14 PM | #4 | ||
All these Dead Presidents
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IP:
This piece is not godly but well done.
I agree w/ D.Z about the opener but following, your imagery and emotion got much stronger. A child born, ill willed and ignored whos dad has been on a 2 year trip to the grocery store ^ I felt that the most in your piece. I was like "wow, that shit really happens too". Overall this piece could be better. You had good vocab, but the flow of it was off. Your imagery and emotion was there but, not as heart felt as it could have been.
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- Chryme Syndicate - so - S T F U - My Literature
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