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01-11-06, 03:32 PM | #1 | |
1926
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"Persuit of Happiness"
IP:
Tripping the fires Of ones imagination, In ancient prayers attire. Native fingers dance Upon organic fabrics Of a corporate man. She just withers. Old; Brittle, cold in shiver Lingering in the textile Of the vile soul. Bats that shattered Glance to onlookers, As patterns take form, Her poor battered Hands tremble more. Corporate America Stands waiting in line; Time's steady tapping Foot rattles the eyes Of collapsing study Within their wooden dummy. The lines go forever. Upon the countryside Winds a foolish birth Of stride for better. White collars popped, Waiting to be dressed. While a blue jean step Dresses the last thought. As... Her fingers bleed. The needle eats Through helping hands To remind that she, The factory, too is man. And amongst the savage Ever wading valleys America's true colors Paint the cavernous. Red, White, Blue... Lights the step Of conforming request. The checker faced Seamstress sews on. As each addict seems To meets his ease Upon receipt of bond. She smiles there as Multi collard America Grins like a fucking idiot. They awe at her craft, To the point they Blind themselves To the hideous hatch. Amongst the crosshairs, There lies her angst. Weaved into each stitch The smiles of care Rage in the blaze of a bitch. She owns you. Consumed your glee With exchange of receipt... Then worked in her pain To pierce the action for which it's been made. And as you stroll off, She wipes her tears; Giggles through cough. As she weaves Disease into savvy steps, Signing another soul To sin, Per Suit of Happiness. |
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01-11-06, 07:03 PM | #2 | ||
pain is weakness leaving the body
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IP:
whoa..... i didn't really get it at first, but i like where it took me.... very original concept...... i like how u used the metaphors to describe what the woman was doing, different way of thinking of corporate America...... decent strcture too, lol, i never could get that down.... keep writin playa.....
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"I don't want to be deep... I want to feel deep and use that feeling to express depth itself..." -Konchance my poetry: untitled |
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01-13-06, 03:13 PM | #3 | |
1926
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IP:
Thanks alot for the feedback man.
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01-15-06, 02:04 AM | #4 | ||
I have a lot to learn...
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IP:
This poem was dope.
I basically have the same opinion on it as chip. But I liked that last line.. the "Per Suit of happiness" .. nice.
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01-18-06, 02:07 PM | #5 | ||
Middle Weight
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IP:
yea imma have to agree w/ Chip on dis one.......good use of metaphors fo sho...da structure was dope; n good use of vocab too.....keep up da work....oh n RTF on my new piece "Alone".........1
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