Yo im walking up to the teller, i tell her, you do as i say
dont call the cops they never find me, i always get away
had the route planned out, already knew which way to go
been doing this so long and still never caught by the Po-po
shit im going the wrong way, oh no, should have studied that map a lil more
better head for the woods, but be careful of the wild boar
Looked in the sack, wish the bitch had given me more paper
if i ever get away ill go back and rape her, go on a rampage
how is this chump change supposed to put bread on the table?
wont even cover the cost of the gas, let alone the TV cable
Fuck it, i came to far, gotta keep on runnin, heading west
better sit down on this rock and have a rest, gives me a chance to assess
the situation, maybe the idea wasn't the best, its getting me depressed
gotta clear my conscience hold this bible to my chest
at night its gonna help me rest, help my Jesus im possessed
by this evil demon inside me, he is the one a fault
im not going to hell i cant just take it with a grain of salt
gotta get off this path, dont wanna serve life in a state pen
be locked up when my daughter needs me i cant do that again
im gonna put down this bag, wash my hands of this dirty money
go out and get a real job, i know it sounds funny, but i can change
im gonna go back, do the right thing and turn myself in
its a fight a cant win, ive committed the sin
now its time to gets what commin, im sick of always runnin

this piece shows you have a ton of potential...if you could just...up your vocab....and clean up your syllable count...not settle for specific words...and explore the dictionary to find something that A...not only sounds better...but B..is more appropriate and fits better within the context of your piece...and to top it off...have more multies...multies are going to engage the reader..especially with something in a story format that really has no plot development...you do all those things..and you've got a piece that transforms from..displaying potential..to..displaying a high degree of talent.

nice drop...stay up...let me know when you drop something new

__________________

Time is not long, and indecision is hells cemment. So the well is rented, untill heaven is relevant. Untill then, to be eloquent, sex cells, so le'ts cellibate.

"watch what you watchin...fox keeps feedin' us toxin's..stop sleepin' start thinkin outside of the box and unplug from the matrix doctrine....but watch what you say cause big brother is watchin" - nas - sly fox

The I.H.C.J.S.F.M.T.R.H.P.M.M.W.T.S.M.S.I.T.F.F.W.A.S. O Crew

Links or this will be closed.

thanks for the feedback man. What are these links that people want posted?

you need to drop feedback on two pieces...and post the links of the pieces yoiu left feed on in this thread

__________________

Time is not long, and indecision is hells cemment. So the well is rented, untill heaven is relevant. Untill then, to be eloquent, sex cells, so le'ts cellibate.

"watch what you watchin...fox keeps feedin' us toxin's..stop sleepin' start thinkin outside of the box and unplug from the matrix doctrine....but watch what you say cause big brother is watchin" - nas - sly fox

The I.H.C.J.S.F.M.T.R.H.P.M.M.W.T.S.M.S.I.T.F.F.W.A.S. O Crew

Just one thing, don't start with "Yo" and the line that ended with paper didn't rhyme. Try to give the story a better transission. One minute he's at the bank now he's in the woods all of a sudden he's clutching a bible. And don't use filler lines like the bores line. You got potential so keep elevating best of luck to you.

__________________

THE TRUTH IS I'M BETTER THAN YOU

In vision what does clean up your syllable count mean?

here are the links
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=247379
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=247313