|
|
|
|
| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
|
|
08-30-05, 05:15 AM
|
#1
|
|
|
**the council**
|
Dear Summer........
IP:
http://community.rapverse.com/showt...t=206437&page=1
my battle verse against Lola Cruez.....it was a no-show......so just putting it up in here to get some feed Screams invade the hospital silence, my mind capturing every emotion The notion of caring for you was too much and I couldn’t feel devotion Your daddy called you summer, I asked him why, he had many reasons He said that you were so beautiful and we would be the family of seasons Outside the night air took my breath, I looked down and realised your beauty Wrapped in your pink satin blanket, I thought about winter doing his duty My eyes were burning, I bundled you into the car, it was getting colder Daddy whispered “someone’s mad” then tenderly tapped me on my shoulder The drive seemed so long, we’re inseparable, my hand intertwined with yours Pauses that your sounds fill, daddy looking back before he entered the stores The windows presenting opportunities, but your now my main, only priority I look down at your sweet face, can’t even envision myself showing authority In the distance I can see the ocean, on its glassy surface the sun is glistening “Are we close to home yet”, you turn around but it seems you’re not listening Accelerating fast, your so close to the gates that protect its outer appearance I look up to the sky, pray for you summer, that your dad will give us clearance we plunge into the water, your in my arms, I hide your face against my chest Victims to the depths, but I refuse to go like this, swimming, I head west Your little body feels limp and lifeless, I keep asking myself, is she dead your daddy’s floating on the surface, with tears I struggle to carry on ahead Finally we reach dry land, I look at your beautiful face, your mouths blue Convinced that your dead, I reach in my pocket, and cut my wrist through People gather around, they try desperately to save you, I hear you sigh I try to get up, but I’m paralysed, death is one power I’m unable to defy With the knowledge that you survived, I relax, to your saviours hand I cling Leave you with my last words, what will the world do without autumn and spring?…….
__________________
  Last edited by mizz fyre : 08-30-05 at 05:25 AM. |
|
|
|
08-30-05, 02:01 PM
|
#2
|
|
|
**the council**
|
IP:
uppin ya'll................
__________________
|
|
|
|
|
08-30-05, 03:29 PM
|
#3
|
||
|
A Life Of Chryme
|
IP:
wow mizz fyre, this was hott fyre....it had good structure, which created good flow...ur vocab was onpoint....went well with the verse...didnt use multis..which wasnt a problem becuz ur imagery and emotion took care of it.....id say tihs is one of the best ive read in a while 9.9/10....im lovin it...keep it up
__________________
A LIFE OF CHRYME |
||
|
|
|
08-30-05, 04:55 PM
|
#4
|
||
|
©
|
IP:
ye i like it a lot......vocab real good with a tite structure which made it flow real nice....but i didnt thing your emotion was the best you've done but the verse had good imagery.....8/10
|
||
|
|
|
08-30-05, 06:00 PM
|
#5
|
|
|
B.I.G.
|
IP:
Do I Realy have to leave feed on this....
man this is poetry.. 10/10 P.S. I would love a hook on this one *claps*
__________________
 Bizzacckkk |
|
|
|
|
08-31-05, 07:51 AM
|
#6
|
|
|
**the council**
|
IP:
^^^^^thanx ya'll.......uppin...........
__________________
|
|
|
|
|
08-31-05, 07:57 AM
|
#7
|
||
|
Odi et Amo
|
IP:
Nice piece...
The concept first of all was interesting and you had a nice twist to the overall storyline, kept the readers focused on what you were saying. The emotion was definitely nice but I feel your imagery was the best in this piece. I could picture the entire scene as I was right there seeing it all happen you know. Your vocabulary was on point as well, flow might be improved on a little by shortening your lines. Keep it up!
__________________
Authentik Intelligence  ...The future is mine... |
||
  
|
|
|
08-31-05, 07:59 AM
|
#8
|
|
|
**the council**
|
IP:
^^^thanx for the feed....imagery was what i was concentrating on mostly in this piece so i'm glad you thought that the imagery was the best thing about it.........uppin ya'll
__________________
|
|
|
|
|
08-31-05, 08:00 AM
|
#9
|
||
|
Odi et Amo
|
IP:
^It definitely showed, you achieved your 'goal' or however you wish to call it
__________________
Authentik Intelligence ...The future is mine... |
||
|
|
|
|
08-31-05, 12:39 PM
|
#10
|
|
|
**the council**
|
IP:
uppin....................
__________________
|
|
|
|
|
08-31-05, 01:13 PM
|
#11
|
||
|
[COLOR=Yellow][B]Tha People's Champ[/B][/COLOR]
|
IP:
this was a hot piece gurl..............the feeling behind it was tight....i like the way you kept
it going so you had to read the whole thing to know where it was coming from......the imagery was second to none.....u could really picture it..... flow was aight too....... shit gurl....imma holla at you for a collab some time kk. 9-10......id give you ten outta ten......but, ...ok 10 -10...well done
__________________
Met!culous |
||
|
|
|
09-01-05, 06:53 AM
|
#12
|
|
|
**the council**
|
IP:
^^^thankyou.............uppin ya'll...........
__________________
|
|
|
|
|
09-13-05, 09:42 AM
|
#13
|
||
|
QB's Finest
|
IP:
Nice Drop Ma Vocab was nice on this fa reel came at it witta different perspective i like that.. told a good story cause imaginary was good here probally nicest ish ive read from you it was tight ma keep droppin..pz
__________________
D.ef P.oets
|
||
|
|
|
09-14-05, 04:18 AM
|
#14
|
||
|
Addicted
|
IP:
nice drop, allthough i fealt your structure was too stretched, made your lines contain too much in em so you was ending up describing alot more than u could have done, and u basically leave less to the imagination, but your vocab was good, and imagery was good, but like i say coulda left more for the imagination to work with n make up, but still nice drop
|
||
|
|
|
09-18-05, 07:53 PM
|
#15
|
||
|
Bringin The Rukas
|
IP:
ya u spit fire dam that was good ill give it a 9/10
__________________
 |
||
|
|
 |
| Thread Tools | Search this Thread |
| Display Modes | |
|
|
Hybrid Mode
