Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio |
|
09-01-05, 01:56 PM | #1 | ||
Middle Weight
|
H.e.r
IP:
I remember when I met her, I was 7 years old
a young wide eyed, hopeful, optimistic snot nose I'd sit back, listen to her and lose touch with the world put my soul on the table, let it unfold and unfurl she remained, through every struggle and strife little did I know she'd be the love of my life but I can still remember the moment I fell for her you see, when I was comin' up we were broke as fuck but she stood by my side and said "Keep Ya Head Up" It was then that I knew, with her I just wanted to be cuz she was the only person I ever knew as free and that was what she set me see, I could, run to her during my darkest hour and confide my deepest secrets with no thoughts to ever cower, away, or be afraid, she'd console me with every word she sang but things change it musta been a business man who told her that she could make money if she'd let these clowns get a hold of her she left me, and I was forced to watch her roll through the city with these gimmicky cats that didnt want her they just want her for her loot and her ass so they'd harass, and spit on her name for quick cash now I see her on occasion, wearing a blue mink coat to compliment her black eye as she returns to her abuser, while all I can do is turn my face and cry but one day, I promise to make this shit stop stop them from rapin'.... my beautiful, Hip Hop H.ip Hop in its E.ssence is R.eal Last edited by fluidmoon : 09-15-05 at 09:55 PM. |
||
09-01-05, 06:38 PM | #2 | ||
pain is weakness leaving the body
|
IP:
nice piece...... do u have any aliases? Lil C(Chip), same avatar, same name of the poem i just wrote....... hmmmmmmmmmm...... i don't know who u are, but it doesn't really matter. nice poem; good structure and okay flow..... i liked the play off the 2pac song. it looks like u put commas whenever there's a pause in the flow....... i used to do that, and can tell u from experience that it makes your piece harder to read. work on your rhyme scheme (if your next piece rhymes) and u should be okay.... overall 8/10
-The Ghetto Dr. Seus, Chip
__________________
"I don't want to be deep... I want to feel deep and use that feeling to express depth itself..." -Konchance my poetry: untitled |
||
09-02-05, 11:50 AM | #3 | ||
Middle Weight
|
IP:
yea dat is a lil weird but oh well its all good; lol but thanx fo da feed n dis wasnt really made to rhyme or nething it was just fo fun
|
||
09-09-05, 10:19 AM | #4 | ||
I have a lot to learn...
|
IP:
Common - I used to love H.E.R
You can change the wording all you want.
__________________
|
||
09-09-05, 10:34 AM | #5 | ||
Bangs like bikini attol
|
IP:
ROFL.... I never thought someone could bite that common song concept and make it shit..
But thats exactly what you did.. |
||
09-15-05, 09:51 PM | #6 | ||
<<-Carpe Noctum->>
|
IP:
word^ your not banned anymore, i misread these posts, but try and come up with your own concepts for future reference.
__________________
"QUOD ME NUTRIT, ME DESTRUIT--AUT VINCERE AUT MORI" O Y D *FluidMusic* *Poetic Scriptures Moderator* |
||
Thread Tools | Search this Thread |
Display Modes | |
|
|