i could never imagine in my wildest dreams
that worse then evil shit could ever happen to me/
but when i first clicked and turn 14
my uncle was killed without my eyes to see/
please do i believe, that this shit is happening to me/
now all i can do is watch my family,
be destrought its worse then up set
when ur uncle's death coulda been missed/
cause in da end da man turned outta to be a coward bitch/
this dude whos ment to be some big bouncer some cool dude
he betta now watch out cause if we see himhe wont be eating food/
for a very long time he betta not think he can fuck me
no joke da man even tryed to skip the fucking countrey/
now i ante saying i am some gangster
but this dude betta watch outcause irl hang ya/
cause u thought u where hevy now we found out u wankster
cause now me and my fam r now taking r life back thank ya/
cause its u not me u wrong
u no u r if i had a gun id smoke u like a bong/
this ante a tribute to my uncle but R.I.P
i just gotta let my shit out on this fucking pussy

i need some feed back good and bad but give reasons

yo, i thought it was totally weak, you had a good story line and followed it.. but you had no flow at all, and most of the shit didn't rhyme, and if it did it made no sense.. you gotta work on rythm and timing, I think that's what your problem is.

thanks for being straight

This wasn't bad. Certainly not like blunt put it.
Some rhymes are... latent. They can be consider matches, but it's not "tight". The easiest thing to fix is pulling filler to make the flow better and have a better ratio of iller:filler.
Shit like:

this dude whos ment to be some big bouncer some cool dude
he betta now watch out cause if we see himhe wont be eating food/

Not a bad punch, but do you need some of this. "If we see him" for example. And the "some" double-up... I don't know. Not for me.

But it's cool man. Sometimes it's hard to stay on it about realness. Cock/Glock are easy to rhyme.
Sorry about your uncle, good luck returning the favor.
Keep working. Peace.

PS! That last line wasn't cool man...

I ante talking bout my uncle there man its bout the dude who done this to him i should put it more clearly and the shit u said was good advice cheers

Yea you do need to clarify up that you weren't talking about your uncle because that's what I thought throughout this entire verse. I agree with the last guy that replied on pulling out the fillers but you also need to take out all of those "cause"s, you said "cause" so many times in that that it became annoying. Instead of write "are" as "r" spell it out that will increase the flow too, on this line...

cause its u not me u wrong
u no u r if i had a gun id smoke u like a bong/

I kept wanting to run it all together like this...

You no your if I had...

that threw it off so bad so work on spelling stuff out too... good luck, keep elevatin

pz

so people i have just finished my battle with some dude vote its quite weak from both parties but give reasons if u do choose to vote