Well, just an intro to what I can be cabable of...yet this is majorly written on writer's block

(The beginning)
A sweet girl, born into the hands of a bleak world//
She weeps pearls, tears of distress moistens her neat curls//
her feet furl, she lays alone in the corner too battered to speak//
She splatters the heat from her heart that's more poisoned than a "tannery creek*"//
(The Middle Ages)
Mocked at school, she was never the one thought as cool//
She fought the rules, thinking she was the only one that was called a fool//
She's bought and used, enough drugs to kill a nation//
She's spilled her patience, and used the devil's food to fill her ration//
(The End)
Rancid tears stream down her face, yet she still has the worse to come//
Cursed to some, this angel is only seventeen and has birthed a son//
Her thirst is numb, She's feeling emotionally weak and frayed//
Afraid of life, afraid of love, afraid of anything that leaked a vein*//
She speaks of pain, as if death ruled her heart and soul//
She starts the show by steadily cutting her wrist to part the hole//
She's smart and knows that the suffering won't just stop and go//
So she crops her clothes and releases the bullet to pop the blow...

__________________
My conscience was fucking with me...so I shot it

wat was the point of dis shit

..too simple..yourwordplay was simple..your flow was weak and I must agree with ^ your rhyme was going nowhere...

...Well, the topic of it was about a girl, that ended up commiting suicide. I'm not sure that you lot read this thoroughly. I'm not into humungous words that make absolutely no sense and is fashionably out of context. I write with multis, i figure..simplicity can be all the more satisfying than some complex shit that includes every word in the dictionary, but makes no sense.

__________________
My conscience was fucking with me...so I shot it

You need to leave 3 links or 3 names of people you left feedback to or this will get closed, Thanks.

Personally, I thought it was nice. Flow was dope, I could see this becoming an audio verse as well. Structure was aight, not too shabby. Vocab was used well, wordplay was ehhh. Multis were forced in some parts, which can hurt a piece bad. But The only issue I really had was that you were telling a story but you weren't at the same time. The story left a lot to desire. . it seemed like you were trying to tell a story but then stopped. You did that on and off in your piece. What I recommend you do, is have 10-20 lines of explaining the situation in detail, give facts and info to help draw a picture. Just explain everything in the beginning so you don't get caught up explaining anything important while you're trying to convey a story. Overall the piece was good.

Work on:

Not forcing multis
Even the bars out a bit
Better rhyme scheme
Staying on topic

Keep droppin. .

Oooooh, a reply would be nice here as well.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...Phuture+Courses

__________________
<center>Deja Vu

..Remember These Dope Kids?..

.................................................. .