Replied to:

The UnderRated
Crooked Comical
BuzzKill


Verse 1: Who looks through these eyes every morning? I sigh when I look at my outta reach sky/ It's like lying to myself when I'm denying my right to survive/ But I can't survive when people pick on me all the time, throw food at me in the lunch line, I ain't in the mood to punch this bully of mine/ In art class this chump dumped glue on my chair, and I didn't have the guts to shoot this finger in the air, so people stared and laughed and fell off their chairs/ and I carried a torch for this boy who wacked me fair share/ So what do you do when the guns pointed at you and they shoot whenever they want to?/ You could rebel, tell people you're Satan in hell, hating the waiting for when you kill yourself/ or do what I did/ become a rapper who snaps at people through her verses and chapters/ and the laughter starts to die down when you prove you've got skills downtown Chorus: So the next time a prick or bitch tries to wreck your game, slain thier name with our tongue teaser game/ and make them pay for all the shit they say/ you can always count on hip hop (REPEAT) Verse 2: My throat is all clogged up and I'm coughing up shit/ My spit has a temperature bubbling in the toilet/ and my bedspreads a fuckn' mess from sweat, dreamt I was on the edge/ almost jumped but instead took out a pistol, got shot in the head/ Can't go to school today because dreams can become a reality/ bounce on me, my parents can't do shit to these alien beings 'cause they don't see what I see/ I'm not asking you to hold my fuckn' hand in the goddamn hallway/ but when they offer you a piece 'o cake would you mind turning it the fuck away?/ I don't mean to ask for pity but this fuckn' town is not doin' it for me/ fuckn' gotta get outta here, pout and tear until my infections clear/ gimme a shot up here, down there, and over here/ it fuckn' hurts, but it makes the emotions disappear Chorus 2X Verse 3: Gonna do my good deeds for the right to breath, a world gone mad with a sad fairytale ending/ third anti-christ is still pending, wondering who they will be sending/ guessing it's the man in the chickenshit hole (guessing?)/ Okay, so lets pray, maybe God will take the evil away, if he doesn't? flash him the secret wave (finger!)/ See the thing is, God's just like the board, when a teacher goes and asks for fuckn' fieldtrip forms/ I'll turn on Spike tv and watch Cheers breath, wishn' there was a bar where I could fall on my knees, a scotch please?/ Drown myself in the sauce, while I toss ideas onto crumpled paper, throwm' off a loft/ Just remember, there's a place where everybody knows Neptune/ a doomed rapper wiht her 313 crew, never to be discovered soon Chorus X2

fix ur structure and seperated ur verse other than that ya verse was decent had some good punches

This was ok....but like Joker said you need to work on your structure, dont put it in paragraph form like that, try putting it line on top of line and keep the lines around the same length so its structured good and so it helps the flow out...but keep at it.

I know my structure sucks, but it helps me write better. It's hard to put it in poetry form.