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Old 12-29-03, 10:49 PM   #1
Phantasia
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What A Mind Thinks When It Wonders

IP:

You make me wanna explore my sensual side.
Lay u on my bed and let me ride.
Grinding slowly to our hearts beat rhythm.
Only a novice at this point, can you tell I’m a beginner?
I touch your muscular arms and they tense up.
Your body grows restless as we switch it up.
I can tell you yearn for control,
Missionary style here we come!
My body is torn as you gently slip inside.
Your manhood pulsates with every single stride
The pleasures increases and so dose the pain.
I swear your thug lovin is wreakin my brain!
What was suppose to last thirty minutes lasted more then an hour.
My body wasn’t ready, now I’m tired without power.
A smile spreads across your face like a wild fire,
Because your job is done and you get to walk out feelin like number one!
But like a good man you give a massage before you leave.
Since you got me hurtin from my torso to my knees.
Second time around best believe I got lead.
Then you’ll be the one hurtin instead of me!



This was dedicated to a special person, and I hope they don't
come on this board cause it was a poem I wrote just for them.
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Old 12-30-03, 12:07 AM   #2
L.A.STR~E~TZ
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From: dreams
IP:

aight, ive read a couple of ure poems but this one gots a (ahem) aspect bout it that i like so i decided to actually reply. i loved the message, i tried writing a poem like this for my girl but it was harder than i thought. so lets see...i like the poem couse of the message. the thing that bothered me was the flow, it was a bit rough but it didnt take much aways from it. the vocab was alright, a bit simple but used well. over all id give it a 8 outa 10. good but to simple and short. good stuff tho...
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Old 12-30-03, 12:16 AM   #3
Phantasia
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IP:

thanks! I posted this one because it was simply. I have another but....well its mor detaled and a few people who read it almost hurt themselves.... thanks for the feedback
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Old 12-30-03, 12:25 AM   #4
L.A.STR~E~TZ
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From: dreams
IP:

if its longer and more detailed then id like to read it, but only if u think its higher quality or else id just be readin a more boring piece thats longer. if ya cant post it on here then send it to me in a PM or AIM. gotta give feedback. btw, chek out sum of my other poems they got more feeling in them then the current ones.
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Old 12-30-03, 11:12 AM   #5
filed
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From: HELL!!....and yet you think im jokin
IP:

first about this more detailed piece your talking about, hun im pretty sure ppl here will be able to handle it, without hurting themselves

this topic is one that the writter can take different ways, with different twists, ect. you just seemed content to write about sex without much other meaning. that was ok. you have to start working on your structure, making it flow better so its not so hard to read with it sounding right. your intro was alright, and your outro, well it was good, but im not sure if i completly understand what your trying to say, you give lots of hints in this piece, probly not purposly, of the poem going somewhere else and it never does. ahwell. your vocab could be taken up a notch, and try to watch your spelling, it can ruin some pieces for ppl. anywho it was a nice read all and all.

~Tera~
DONT HATE
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Old 12-30-03, 07:00 PM   #6
Phantasia
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IP:

thanks for the feedback. I know the peeps on this board can
handle it but that poem is strickly for me and mines. this was
written almost like a tease poem, it wasn't really suppose to
venture off anywhere because I really prefer not to write about
sex. Actully its a reply to a poem that was posted awhile ago. Um I think it was called "ruff sex." Thanks again holla!
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Old 12-30-03, 07:24 PM   #7
varentao
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Graphic and blunt done in a simple yet effective way. Craft being minimal...rawness letting rip.

Bondage and 'Amazonian woman within' came to mind at the end. And with that, i wish you luck...

...resp...
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Old 01-01-04, 04:13 PM   #8
Phantasia
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^ thanks
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