People tell me you exist. Religion is supposedly the next best thing to making the Forbes' list. Cuz money and power only mean shit, right? That's why we strive for it night after night. Wondering when our time will come...dawn upon the light...something far too bright for human eyes to set sight to. Another mystical realm like this one isn't hell enough, dude...fuck. I'm sick of this shit...I'm out of luck...you say you exist well why haven't you helped me through my struggles? My anger's building up, and I'm about to fuckin' pop this bubble. Watching my world crumble is the fucking worst thing to have to go through. Mumbling: "I'm tired, half-dead, deprived of my head." Especially when people try to brainwash me into believeing what you said. Yes, as if I can't decide morals by myself I need someone there to lend me some help. Well...yep, just what I thought. The Bible is a book about tales of joining a religious cult. Man...what the fuck is wrong with the world we live in? It's almost pointless to join one of the 500 religions. Each one tries to manipulate your life's decisions. And if you try to oppress "their" thoughts and beliefs it's stupid, there's already too many people believeing in that bullshit.

This was ok....just need to change up your structure a bit i think, try not to put it in paragraph form like that, because some people think its hard to read and it throws the flow off, so put it line on top of line so its structured good....also try adding some multies to this....but keep at it.

Yep, people keep hammering me for that structure. Just try and assume that the periods are slashes...

I will change that form of structuring the future, however. Thanks for the deconstructive criticizm. Hehehe. Cheers.

I got basically the same feedback on one of my rhymes..anyway that was good,just need some multi's o.O

that was sick keep it up and youll go far