Everytime i close my eyes your name runs through my mind
One thousand melted tears, left here to remind me
Two souls entwined yet no longer combined,
Ones gone to a better place, and ones left behind.
Hold up and rewind, the future cannot start
I'm stuck in the past, lost a part of my heart
Why did you have to depart? heaven gained another soul
The angels sing louder, i'm not entirely whole
Can't breathe, cant eat, can't sleep just can't rest,
Too depressed should have guessed that this life was a test,
Possessed by the untimely frost that killed the sweetest of flowers
At any cost, stole the hours, another soldier is lost
Like two towers,what was proud must return to the dirt
But it hurts to reminisince on times to revert
Where is the love? the laughter and smiles?
Banished is the hope that one day we would walk down the aisle
Hand in hand at the crossroads of life, eyes met, it felt right
We were husband and wife, thats all a dream, stolen by strife
But it seems silent screams still resound in the night
My eyes may be blind but my heart still senses your presence
False pretenses can't see you, but my love will commence
Till the day i join you, in the land of the Gods
You'll always be close to me, survive in my heart
For this love, i promised is for eternity, forever
And both our souls cannot rest, till the day were together..

thought this had a pretty good flow, not really my sorta thing, ..love stuff... but ya handled it quite well, some nice imagery and some ok wordplay... seemed like it had feeling put into it,...
Two souls entwined yet no longer combined//
Ones gone to a better place, and ones left behind//
^^liked this bar
on the whole it came together decent...

thanks for the breakdown! can i get some more replies?

this piece is dope, you should have posted in Poetic Scriptures it is more of a poem
the concept and structure were good and the vocab was ok, good use of emotion aswell. id give it 7 out of 10

return da favour
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108195

uppin this

why am i dying to live if i'm just living to die?

uppin!!!

i have heard alot of love stuff lately, this shits pretty dope. you did nice for the topic, and kept the flow goin. we need a bigger varitey of topics round hurr tho..7/10 pz ~wun~

Yeah i agree this was a good piece here....made a good read i thought....i like readingn this kind of stuff lol as you know i write a lot about love and such haha...you had good emotion in this i thought....had some good content, i liked it....good flow in this, stayed on....had some good vocab....overall a nice read....keep at it.

very creative but i dont really like love stuff cuz its kinda homo but it was really nice
and you need to try to add some exsitement while writing a certain piece like this
because it gives the reader hope and a sense of mind to prosper more

well thanks for the feedback!