Aiight, I felt like doin' another one, cuz nobody would respond to my other ones. Also, I was in a good mood, so no good stuff would really come into my mind, that would be worth puttin' in a written.
Here it is:

We’ve been goin’ at each other’s necks… for way too long
I sucked up all the pain, so that I would appear to be strong
But really deep inside… I’m feelin’ so sad
Of what we’re doin’ to each other… of what we could have
I want this all to stop. Let us start from scratch
Cuz when I see you, baby, it’s game, set, match
I love you so much… but all we do is fight
We gotta learn to comprehend. Learn to be tight
I wanna be the light… that burns deep inside you
I wanna be your lover… the one that you turn to
When you have a problem…whether it big or it small
I’ll solve it for you, baby, just give me the call
But whenever I talk to you… I always make a joke
One that insults you… I always seem to choke
I can’t get the right words… to come outta my mouth
The good ones get stuck… while the bad ones rush out
I hope you can see through it. See that I love you
That I will never put, anybody above you
I adore you so much… I’ll try to make you see
Girl, I’m soo sorry. Will you please forgive me?

Don't hate. Feedback, please.

Nice Babe!! ... I Like That Shit!!' lol What Can I Say I'mma Light Weight!!' .. Haha!!!!!!!!!!!!

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The pieces we spit with the most emotion in them are alwas hard, because we can never really seem to get across exactly what we want to say, But this on the other hand was done in perfect context.

You laid the plot out there beautifully i.e. Talking about how you fucked up with her

Quote:
But whenever I talk to you… I always make a joke
One that insults you… I always seem to choke
I can’t get the right words… to come outta my mouth
The good ones get stuck… while the bad ones rush out

^^thats exactly what i mean by the plot, and what Iliked about it is that it came later in the piece rather then right off the start so it didn't seem forced.

To elaborate more you also had certain area's that described the plot more to perfection, but not quite as good as the quote above.

Your starting was exactly what it should be a hook. The starting is the most important part to a piece cause of you do't start off strong then no1's going to read the rest right.

Quote:
We’ve been goin’ at each other’s necks… for way too long
I sucked up all the pain, so that I would appear to be strong
But really deep inside… I’m feelin’ so sad

^^^see what I mean right away u give an image of hands wrapped around a neck. Now I want to know if those hands will squeez or losen up.

ok what I really enjoyed about this was the words mostly, and the plot. Imagry was nice, and always needed in a piece with emotion so ppl can relate, but word usage is always amust in emotion pieces using emotional words is the key. Altho i did find ur word usage alittle to basic it seemed to still draw my attention to the piece. Don't get me wrong tho basic word usage can be very strong, depending apon how you use em, and u did an overall good job of that.

ur finisher

Quote:
I adore you so much… I’ll try to make you see
Girl, I’m soo sorry. Will you please forgive me?

^was a good 1. You finished out very strong, and it was also very expected, but thats what ppl like right expected? It also gave the piece it's name, and alot moremeaning finishers are the 3rd elment to a piece. A finisher could be the key to a strong or shit piece. I really enjoyed ur's cause your character did what u explained in the beginning of ur piece

Quote:
I sucked up all the pain, so that I would appear to be strong

^see how he remained strong, and asked for forgiveness thats always the hardest to do.

It's like a fight with mommy or daddy hardest thing to do is apologize, and swallow ur pride am i right?

As for structure it was very liad out flow wassmooth al around no elevating needed there kep that up.

The 2 things I didn't like about thispiece, and that should be improved apon are the creativity, and word usage. Again I will explain.

Creativity altho it may seem this piece came off really good with the imagry the creativity was really basic. Nothing more the ur reg. Male female fight that basically a grade 3 could explain with the words u used.

Word usage again was very basic, and could have been better. There's nothing like that big word, or that catchy word that will add depth to these emotional pieces. Word of advice for word usage basic is fine, but try and add words that mean the same, but are different.

What I liked about this piece was the emotion. No matter how u spit a verse emotion is always pure and raw, and that will convert in ur rhyme alot. I liked the imagry, but I felt more meta's, and similies could have made me picture this piece better. Don't get me wrong tho u displayed a very beautiful imagry it just seemed like pieces of the puzzle where missing yah get me.

Except for the basic word usage, and lack of creativity these pieces would get a 6/10

Keep at it son this was pure emotion at it's rawest form......pz

i forgive you babi
lol
PM me i gotta question
VERY NICE i wuz feelin it
erything wuz there

i wish i cud break it down like lokie did but its hard for me to do that
u jus had all the components there

Thx for not getting mad at me It seriously does happen sometimes.

O and to all those ppl that don't break down a verse ur not just being ignorant to the writer but also breaking down a verse I THINK helps out alot with ur writing. Atleast it does with me I see what other ppl do, and I try to incorperate that into my music

1st preview coming soon...

sure I got something up there 2 it's called preview 1 and 2

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