Quick Verse I wrote for a friend's song... tell me what y'all think...

Oh Shit, Hold up, That’s the break, just great, look who pulled up, KC’s Finest handin’ out shiners/
Makin’ y’all die virgins, We rip you apart like surgeons, Who They Want, Pimp, Pimp, Chicks?, Bend Over/
Ya’ll should Send over, The best y’all got, one line of mine, you just got shot, Cuz Village is a pro/
Village break ya ho, slow it down, the L-Town clown runnin’ into town with another round/
Hear the sound of peace breakin’ down, The weather callin’ for showers, Bullets, not the ones that grow flowers/
Leave y’all droppin’ like towers, I give the game powers, like my name was Rayovac, Hey I’m back on this track/
Murderin’ you ho, my status is quo, smokin’ dro, spittin’ this hot flow, The clip, turn you into strips/
Trick, slits, drawin’ blood like a Succubus, Put you in eternal peace with my funeral piece/
I come highly recommended by Slicky C, Midwest where we smoke that icky tree, Nasty, girl stick wit me/
Your so fine you’re the 1st pick by me, But cats, What I’m spittin’ ain’t blasphemy/
Cuz I’m blastin’ gs back to last century, Erase your face and memory banks of past history, Bitch to me?, Mafucka you’re a bitch to be/

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overall wack it was good but it didnt rhyme at all and the flow was shyty u need to shorten the lines and up ya game alot kid..........

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didn't fuckin' rhyme, wtf mafucka you don't know what the fuck your talkin' about. You can't talk shit on flow on text because you don't know how it's supposed to fuckin' flow... overall, your fuckin' retarded... god damn.
Plus, I write in bars and I shortened them...
if you don't know what your talkin' 'bout, then don't talk.

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hey gwaaan it ayt.. u kan improv on it dow.. i mean shorten ya linez abit.. n mke it lyk rhyme proply..
buh hey keep tryin n ya''ll get ere.. gud luk