http://community.rapverse.com/showt...21&page=2&pp=15

*I can feel it in the air* Beanie Sigel plays.........

Woman A

Routine a familiarity, clothes exuding her personality
casually dressed to impress, showing much originality
happily clutches her bag, head scarf, changes appearances
when she enters, silence falls, people fearful of new experiences

the train moving slowly, she takes a seat, rustling papers
the vomit from the boy behind her emits powerful vapours
halting to a startling stop, she glances suddenly at the door
lady gets on, looking suspicious, clothes screaming "i'm poor"

Woman B

"Poor appearance, no suspicion" thats what ma told us
she's in my thoughts now, bag weighs heavy on my shoulders
my eyes filling up, yet i'm unable to cry a thousand tears
my pale complexion tells people i've witnessed my greatest fears

all these faces smiling at me, trying to offer their sympathy
i look down at my shoes, feeling nothing for life but misery
the train jerking back and forth, causes everything to fall
cellphones ringing, me and that lady check if we have a call.......

*News Alert*
we are quite sure that for this explosion, it'll take ages to rectify the effect
they said it was one bomb and the lady wearing a scarf is the main suspect

(feedback much appreciated)

__________________

Nice drp...I like how you broke it down with tha "A" an "B" thing..Nice play on words but I see u where tryin ta be str8ta tha point.

nice work...8/10

why?...Cuz I can!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Naw cuz its a lil rough but still gets tha thumbs up!


an didnt you post up a battle for me vs you....Okay anyways!

^^^me vs you........that was prolly ages ago lol coz i don't remember.....thanx for the feed btw

__________________

this was good, was really feelin it, good flow, good vocab, good topic, very good read, keep it up

__________________

hey not mad......nice to see you writing good o/m's nice job 8/10 nice flow enjoyed reading it multis were ok vocab cant complain nicely done!! but hey rtf on my oms

^^^thanx for the feedback ya'll.........uppin

__________________

this was definately interesting, different....a cool approach, and a solid om.

aight, you have a great hold on your vocabulary, but i feel you fall off with its consistency at times. first two lines were great for it, but it became very basic towards the end.....just work on keeping a fluid consistency with your piece. word, just minor though, great imagery, not as much emotion, but this piece didn't feed off of it. word, you're a good writer, keep elevating, word, and keep up.

rtf, the meaning of the music

__________________

^^^done.....thanx for the feed

__________________

kew twist and concept ma....this was pretty solid...i thought...yu didnt get too overboard with descriptions...and yu didnt write so complex that we couldnt figure out what the hell was goin on....it kept a happy medium...and i enjoyed it...i thought the flow was good...i didnt have trouble saying it....

keep wrtiting

__________________

..:: Artik In The Phlesh::..
.Re-Writing The Re-Run.

hey look no multi's it obvious cat on this site just don't what they are, but if you must write poetry then yall cats on this site should take notes come with straight up action and attitude all the way through and lock your audience like mizz frye she grabbed me with this one

know something mizz this maybe what i'm missing out of my rhymes discription yeah that's it girl i don't describe but screw it now it won't help my rep on this site right here anyway

^^^thanx for the feed ya'll.........uppin

__________________

uppin..................

__________________