tell me what u think???


I walk into the room//
all i see is her//
I knew i was doomed//
when i became attracted to her lure//
She is the sexiest girl i have ever met//
I know your thinkin "you havent even met yet"//
but thats not tru//
Ive known this girl since before preschool//
we juss havent kept in touch in like 10 years//
why is she cryin those tears//
Thats it im about to make my move//
take it easy ThEf, always be smooth//
"Hey how are ya. its been a long time"//
She smiled back. yes she will be mine//
"Why are you cryin"//
O shit she married, "she dont him though hes cheatin and lyin"//
Things are goin great now we begin to really talk//
Now my chance to take her for a "walk"//
well here place//
hope she invites me up for coffee and maybe a taste//
Sure ill come up u wanna race//
man that was stupid, i feel like a disgrace//
O yes she started to run//
I ran so fast i felt like my feet were shootin guns//
As we walked through the door//
she says "I feel like a whore"//
Maybe we shouldnt do this//
I made a chance move and gave her a kiss//
she kissed me back//
we hit the sack//
she even let me hit it from the back//
now I lay here in silence with her on my shoulder//
should i try to make this work or make the bed a lil colder'//

This thread needs so so much work. Here are some things that ruined it.

"hope she invites me up for coffee and maybe a taste//
Sure ill come up u wanna race//
man that was stupid, i feel like a disgrace//"

Crying and then racing---how old are you guys


I ran so fast i felt like my feet were shootin guns//
As we walked through the door//
she says "I feel like a whore"//
Maybe we shouldnt do this//
I made a chance move and gave her a kiss//
she kissed me back//
we hit the sack//
she even let me hit it from the back//
now I lay here in silence with her on my shoulder//
should i try to make this work or make the bed a lil colder'//

This whole ending really was to elementary--More practice is needed i guess---elevate

-1-

__________________
SOFT FOCUS crew record (3-0) Wits end ~ DOI ~ Central....now who's next?
sacred scriptures record (5-0)

yo son this is not me in poem first of all
second of all poetry isnt all about grammer and vocab
u need to understand that there should be feeling behind it thats the most important thing ive read your stuff and although i have not replied yet, your shit has very good vocab and grammer and all that, but u dont seem to have no feelin behind yours no offense but thats juss my opinion.
you have replied to 2 of my poems and said they were elementry
fuck that my poetry has feelin behind it. comes from real life experiences with the exception of this one.

my poetry doesnt need fixin its your perseption that does

Gran look man im not trying to kill your words. But i think feeling comes from thought. I feel you could have put more thought into it so the readers could really grasp at your feelings inside---Here i'll show you what i mean----

Take your last lines

I ran so fast i felt like my feet were shootin guns//
As we walked through the door//
she says "I feel like a whore"//
Maybe we shouldnt do this//
I made a chance move and gave her a kiss//
she kissed me back//
we hit the sack//
she even let me hit it from the back//
now I lay here in silence with her on my shoulder//
should i try to make this work or make the bed a lil colder'//


MY VERSION--just touching it up

I ran so fast morning this moment could never last
And with the opening door to endorsement she felt easily tasked-
She said maybe we shouldn't do this--
But swift moves with a kiss there was bliss--
Through her bedroom doors with sunken sheets time baring never permited for this--
And with this victory at plan should i stay and be the respectable man--or let the bed forever appear just another hour and for that hour she'll settle to shed yet another tear

see that might be something i would put at the end. Alright man just listen im not telling you to do anything with your work. I call it constructive criticism

__________________
SOFT FOCUS crew record (3-0) Wits end ~ DOI ~ Central....now who's next?
sacred scriptures record (5-0)

im juss sayin son that call it elementry is bullshit. thats juss like sayin its sumptin a child would do. even though i dont use (big words) shit still has feeling behind it and u can tell that juss by readin

i appriciate criticizme and thanx for it but dont hate on wid words like elementry
say how to make it better not how bad it is
thats constructive criticizm

umm...i don't use real big words when i write... but since my feel'ns are expressed fully to my opinion... that what makes it a gud poem...

but what this needs is more thought to your lines... pretty much... the way you lay down your statement needs revis'n...that bout it...

1.............................

Ima Smart Person But I Want Someone To
Know What Im Talin About When Im Sayin It

Dependin On What Type Of Poet You Are
Dont Give Someone A Version Of How You
Would Write Their Shit..They Can Do It Themseves
Or You can Make Your Own Damn Song Verse Whatever

Not Everyone Needs To Use Big Words (Aesop Fuccin Rock)
( Company Flow) To Get You Lookin Through A Dictionary To Explain How They Think Or Feel (Even Ras Kass) In Regards
To All Aspects Of Life..Peace

~Content~

You Did Say tell Me What You Think Though..

ANd More Thought Into Your Feelings And WOrds
On Paper Or In Tha Booth Whatever Will Make You
Better Homie

Sometimes Things Come Across Better Being
Basic Like 50 Cent On 21 Questions

~Content~

Content easy man---I put my version up only to guide not to show difference between good and bad. I study the dictionary to help my knowledge on vocabulary arts. His vocab was not what i was pertaining to--it was his choice of words that really turned off the emotion. such as

"she kissed me back//
we hit the sack//
she even let me hit it from the back//"

If you disagree well then i dont respect you as a writer. Dont label me as anyone cause you dont know me--smart person--Alright Gran no hate man just keep it coming and i'll keep reading.

-1-

__________________
SOFT FOCUS crew record (3-0) Wits end ~ DOI ~ Central....now who's next?
sacred scriptures record (5-0)

OK listen I understood your point and respect it deacon
i juss thought the way you came off wid it was wrong nah mean

when u reply, if u are usin "constructive criticizm" then reply on ways to fix it
dont use words like elementry dawg
cmon thats like disrespect
i understand what u meant when u explained it but next time juss try to come off wit a more explained reply if u use words like that
thanx for the reply though cuz its hard to get replies period round here.

but anywayz this thread had a question at the top and still hasnt got any answers
do u think that this is sex or makin love????????????????????????

Sex..You Didnt Do Anything Special And Niether Did
She Homie No Candlelight Or ANything Of That Nature
Straight Up Sex Is What This Broken Up Verse Described

~Content~

YO a poem has to be expressed na'mean Big words or not still going to be the same....Nice one Grand

peep mine Sweet Dreams

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