its diffrent form what i usually do, and please dont tell me to up the vocab , im not tring to be a dictonary im just tring to write how i feel.

im inhaling deep breaths to refresh my database//
feels like another strugle trapped in this paper chase//
my place is laced with ambitions to be the best//
but i have visions of my life with out flesh//
god bless my lost soul, as i travel threw time//
feels like i need a minute to relax and clear my mind//
let me rewind to the time when i wanted to die//
yelling to the heavens buts god just takes his time//
i had the nine to my head about the let the trigger go//
thought i was worthless until the light started shinng slow//
now i know, i was probabley just a test from god//
to see if i had the strenght to get where i belong//

I liked the topic in this.
It showed emotion and heart,
It wasnt juss a bullshit rhyme to fallow a structure
and thats the kind of rhymes I personally like
I think that u didnt even need vocab in this. the flow was good the structure was pretty good and the topic was real good.
but i juss really like the feeling that you get from this like u poured your heart into it. Thats hot .
keep dispersin.

this was nice, could of been longer
i definatly know what u mean bout them first 6 bars, thats why weed should be legal

this was prety nice and deep, not the kind of thing id expect u to write bout
1

thanks for the replies upping for more

Aight kidd here we go...



The flow came out nicely here, good use of internals, I don't think that you have to worry about the vocab, it was done good enough to get the attention of the reader, some people mistake the thought of vocab and have to use words no one has ever seen before, but the reality of it is that it's used to make some words which appear often, less. You can also get ahold of the emotion coming in on the fourth line.



Maybe a typo, but I think that you meant "through"



Now this is the part where I would say that you need to look into the vocab, I mean the constant words such as "rewind" and "nine" are too common, other than that though, the emotion is well kept up in this portion of the verse.



Again the emotion was done nicely here, I feel that the imagery could have been utilized, that would have created another atmosphere here, a nice piece in general here, the idea behind it is one of the ones that he been done from time to time, but I guess it hasn't "played" out simply cause it's true and it does have great meaning to that individual, nice piece

BTW, where in New Mexico are you from?

love...

this is a nice piece, it shows your potential as a great writter.
vocab was great, thats the one thing that stood out to me.
the concept and emotion to this piece were present, but in my opinion, you need to put some time into a much longer, thought out piece....i can already tell you that it would be dope because this is good for how short it is.
the emotion, style, vocab and meaning show your true talent, which i dont belive that you have completely tapped into yet.
like i said, set a topic, put time into it...see what you come up with, i think it will be dope...
also, drop the //'s.....we can tell where your lines end.
keep writting, you got some talend that not everybody was blessed with....capitalize!

nice shit kid....the flow,theskill, the point everything came together nice.......peace and keep spittin

thanks for the replys ill take every thing into consideration

u tight man i give u yo propz

only advice i have is: make yer shit longer, other than that, u str8 homie

__________________
D.L.W

nice verse there.U kept tha flow real consistent and didnt miss a beat.Short but sweet,na'mean.And ya kno wut,F*CK vocab it wuznt even needed here enuff said.Hope to see more from ya.Stay ^
-Avi

I really felt the honestly of this
rhyme, u brought it straight
the flow was awesome and u didnt
worry bout vocab, which probaly
wouldnt of made it as good
like everyone else I wouldve liked it to be longer
it just sorta stopped midway

PS peep my "7 deadly rap"
thx

that made me think...hott shit! u got talent kid, real talent! i loved it! :-D

damn i dont think i have ever got this much good replies, i usually get the "that was nice" or "dope" replies,

thanks im tring to reply to everyone who replied to mine, if i forget to just PM me

Good verse dawg