HEAR THE CRITICISM YOU START TO SEND
BUT YOU DON'T LISTEN TO HER STORIES END

AT THE YOUNG AGE OF SIXTEEN SHE HAD A CHILD
HER BOYFRIENDS LOVE FOR HER WAS MILD

HE LEFT HER AFTER HE HEARD THE WORD PREGNANT
HOW DID SHE KNOW SHE WAS GOING TO REGRET IT
SHE TALKED TO HER PARENTS ABOUT HER SITUATION
THEY THREW HER OUT WITH OUT HESITATIONI GUESS THAT'S WHAT SHE GETS FOR SLIGHT INFATUATION
A FUCKED UP EX-BOYFRIEND AND IMPREGNATION

SHE'S STUCK NOW WITH NOWHERE TO GO
WORDS SPOKEN TO HER SAYING SHES A HOE
NOW SHE'S OUT IT THE WEATHER OUT IN THE COLD SNOW

WITHOUT ANY WARMTH
STUCK IN MOTHER EARTH'S POWER STUCK IN A STORM

SHE'S ALONE
WITHOUT A JOB AND NO MONEY
THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING
SHE BEGAN TO WALK HALF NAKED ON THE STREETS
WALKING ALONE WALKING BY FEET
JUST TO MAKE A LOUSEY DOLLAR
JUST SO SHE CAN TAKE CARE OF HER DAUGHTER

THEY ASK WHERE THE FATHERS AT
SHE SAYS HIS NAMES COREY
BUT YOU KNOW THE REST TO THIS HOOKERS STORY

This is a start, I think that it needs some work, in the second paragraph, lengthen it out, and it felt very unemotional for a part that should be a climax to this story. You also need to work on some of the vocab. Good start.



P.S. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO SAND!!!!

__________________

thanx for the advice i will make sure to do that with my next thread