Most people said this is more like a poem. It's more of just a real type song and I'm just throwing rhymes in every where possible.....

I've wasted my life with dreams that never became real//
I see myself in tha future with street fame but no deal//
I've pushed myself so hard, and now I've fell over//
Place on my shelf, my cards with my swelled shoulder//
Put my pen on its holder, I've been working for years//
My hearts got colder and now I'm giving birth to many tears//
It's like I've been flirting with bears, cuz I'm leaving with scars//
Peirced with many spears, just to know I've only acheived so far//
Never meeting tha stars, not even the mountains were viewed//
I will never see an old age and will never see tha fountain of youth//
Like accountants and truth, my words will sum up reality//
Life is like school, but yall refuse to learn so yall dumb of actuality//
Living without morality, so I'm better off a drunk cuz my life is already wasted//
Life is a form of brutality, so I'mma clutch a knife and imitate satan//
Imma loser and its so blatant, cuz Imma complete failure//
A succesful life was mistakened with my acheivements devoured//

i likes

thanks for tha feedback (sarcasm).....

this had the feel of a personal piece. I liked this shit but..on the real you need alot of vocab work. To me, some lines presented imagery, some didn't which kinda took off the overall value of it. I had no problems with the flow, and nothing else was really wrong with it. it had structure and few metaphors, personal piece, but its nothing that would make you feel for you,it's like saying "so your a loser, who cares" which is why the vocab needs work to paint a different picture then the one presented here. It had an image, but not that different of one. Try to elevate and your pieces will become ill. Peep my piece "Rage of a Mortal" if you want. i'm lookin for some good criticism on it or whatnot. thanks and one.

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Only God can judge me, Who THE FUCK IS YOU?!

Damn, thanks for tha feedback....

though abstract this was a phenominol peace several lines in here took personnal meanings and i like that it is hard to go wrong when you present confidence and info on a topic others can relate too uppin

uppin....