You said forever-but wht you ment was never-

you lied-when you said you'd remain by my side-
and i- am the one who cried-
until i tried- to drown myself in grief suicide-
cutting my own air supply-
holding my breath till i answered the question why-

i gave you my heart from the start but you only gave me part-

and i couldnt peace the puzzle togeather and see the big picture-
found what page you where on but saw nothing but muffled scriptures-

no words but you actions spoke louder and my light turned dim-
when i see herbs that broke your heart but you holed them tight and left me for him-

stole my last breath from my chest-what was left was a mess of a man depressed-and stressed- a thousand words paint a picture and each of mine animated my death-

when i think of what if but the boat set sail already all that is left is me to drift-

to a fake world where your my girl sadly-i always find shore in reality-

is like right now im typing this to express how im hurt-while your ready probably laughen my tears change the color of my shirt-

so how much did i mean to you-for you not to stay true-
play me with no clue-then comeback acting brand knew-like you had no idea what you did when you live exactly what you re due-

so the chain links-as quick as i blink-you in and out of my life-
with promices of loven then haten me wanting me dead and wanting to be my wife.

i thought this was eternity-the first love the first i made love to you stole my virginity for your fertility-

daumb ass me enwrapped- in your trap-saying it i love you back-knowing you aint meaning that-in fact-

there's probably a list-of guys who hit- and didnt give a shit-
and you decide to screw over the one that said it and meant it-
then decide the right one aint the one you want to be with-

buit who cared even when you were love sick-gave you a shoulder though you used him like a bitch-

that was me,and this is your thank you to react-
walk away and dont look back-

okay fine-
you may of forgot but i cant when everyday i live in rewind-
and live for what killed me still keeping you in my heart till i flatlined.

HHHMMMMMMM

Good aspects-Stayed on topic, had some good imagery lines, easy for readers to relate

Worse aspects-Flow seemed choppy

THNKS

i agree with g. the flow was hard to find
was-this-an-attempt-at-a-multi?
if so then i think you should tone down the amount of them cause unless your gonna be 100% consitent on them... just do like 6 a bar or so (bar=4 lines)

take that how you want...

*edit*

ohh yea... that was good... my bad totally got lost...

WHAT ABOUTE THE CONTENT I WROTE THIS WHILE I WAS PISSED OFF I RUSHED TO GET IT OUT I DIDNT BOTHER TO FOCUS ON FLOW

yo!.... sup man....
damm this shit brings back memories...
thas about the time I wrote this piece I called "Broken", posted it here on rapbattle... don't know if you ever read it...
Shit man, you know I can relate to this... so cats is saying that the flow was choppy, they right... but I figure your reasons... I first calmed down then wrote the piece... you know to construct it better and shit...
I felt this man, it was deep, straight out the heart and shit...
I felt these lines this most man:
"stole my last breath from my chest-what was left was a mess of a man depressed-and stressed- a thousand words paint a picture and each of mine animated my death-"
Shows depth, consistancy, and flow... shit just embodies the whole post... hehehe...

Peace