I LOVE YOU (FUCK OFF)


(GIRL)- I love u baby

(ME)- Fuck you and all your mothafuckin this shit and that
I don't need to hear anothor woman tellin me that
It's not my fault that you have fallin in to deep to my lap
JUST FUCKIN LAY OFF MY DICK BEFORE YOU CAUSE ME TO SNAP


I've had enough of girls tryinta hurl there feelings at me
I wished theyed lay the fuck off and just let me to be
Never said I would ever take somethin I didn't need
But You better leave whatever we do under the sheets
Please let me take a few minutes to make a few simple lyrics
To let you know how much I hate when you start talkin bout marriage
We only met about an hour and a half go or so
And now you're talkin bout the glasses we should use for the toast
At most this night will end up with my dick in your hand
And if you're lucky I just might put mine into your pants


(GIRL)-But I love u baby


(ME)- Fuck you and all your mothafuckin this shit and that
I don't need to hear anothor woman tellin me that
It's not my fault that you have fallin in to deep to my lap
JUST FUCKIN LAY OFF MY DICK BEFORE YOU CAUSE ME TO SNAP


What makes you think that you could bring a guy like me to his knees
I got a dozen other girls who'd kill their mothers for these
Got a whole line of laddies who been waitin for me
Let me be take a seat your're just a hooker for free
Alot of other dumb brothers might find themselves in the gutter
tryin to find them a lover who they could take home to mother,
But whatever, I can never be like one of those guys
I need like 30 fuckin pussies and three more on the side


(GIRL)-But I love u baby


(ME)- Fuck you and all your mothafuckin this shit and that
I don't need to hear anothor woman tellin me that
It's not my fault that you have fallin in to deep to my lap
JUST FUCKIN LAY OFF MY DICK BEFORE YOU CAUSE ME TO SNAP

IMHO...

It wasn't my cup of tea. Sounds like a sugar coated Eminem song. This however would do well on mainstream, they love degrading woman. It's not only subject matter, but verse quality. This piece seems extremely elementary, and reads as if it was written in minutes. Maybe if you threw in a couple cleverly thought out puns, it would have held my attention more so.

Maybe it's because I can't relate to this piece...

__________________
"life is a game, you have to choose a side to play
if i gotta pick a position, i'mma pick missionary."

Concentrate on elevation. Rather than making things look "pretty".
An aa/bb rhyme scheme doesn't help this much either. Try to switch it up.

Ya I did whip this up in about 10 minutes. I had a beat in my head and I went along with it so this is what came out. I was just frestylin at the time so I didn't expect it to come out to strong. But now that I have the foundation of the song I will work on it.


My other stuff isn't as elemetary............


PEACE~~~~~~~~~~>

lol...not bad for off the dome...but all my open mics are off the dome too...just put some thought in it...practice makez perfect...keep droppin' and you'll elevate...

i thought it was funny..............didn't really see it degrading women so much as kinda poking fun at men and how we think.........face most of us guys don't enter a relationship with the hope it will "turn into something"...............lyrically you were a little elementary...........i'd take this as like a rough draft and add some stuff spice it up a little but keep the same sense of humor and emotion this piece had.............i'd like to read what you come up with................1

^^^yup...just add a little more and edit it a little so you can add some vocabulary and multiez and this could be hotness...