it started out to be a generic kinda piece inspired by all the people that drop here or other rap sites and are disappointed when no one gets there shit the way they do. or to the extent they do.

but before i knew it i had a whole bunch of personal shit flowin out of my pen. so i went with it.

its not meant to really dis anyone. more in the vein of capturing that feeling.


************************************************
Some might say my rap, lacks the spine of gangsta influence
Tongue tie my lines togetha, like I dubbed over Doc-ta seuss’s

Post boring poetry metaphors, showing off sake of my own amusement
Float mostly topics in step'wit outdoors, or nature station viewing

Every letter Ive givin entry, eventually blends itself into scenes so cleanly
Never leaving seedless things in, feeding flow scheme without no meaning

Snaking seamless streams of E’s, into fluid themes repeatedly
Making pleasing clean routines, seem deceivingly too stinkin easy

Cuz im only receiving brief remedial critiquing,
from people unable of anteing spit up equally
**************************************************

peace

^heard and felt with the most sympathetic ear^ for the record i would have understood your plight without your explanation...........why do you think i post in here instead of open mic.................if you write something a little abstract or veer to far from the mainstream then you get slept on...............and if you don't want to comprimise yourself for credit or recognition........sometimes its just nice to be heard................this poem means alot to me and many others i would suspect.............cuz every artist at some time or another think that they aren't getting they're full props.................hang in there though and i promise as long as i'm around i will do my best to give feedback and help you elevate (though you don't need much in my opinion) glad to help a fellow artist................1

thanks man, that means a lot.

i was kinda feeling it...
I can see what yo mean by writing from the heart... it comes across that way... but it really needs work. technically it is a shitty piece, I can't lie. But within it holds something that could be strong... there is potential lying in there....
advice...
I'd just recommend revising your shit before you say its complete...make sure it is what you want it to be. Don't rely soely on emotion when writing because then it sucks... seperate mind from heart.
peace

__________________
I'm a goblin hooked on rails, stuck drinking ale/ I'll rip the horn out a unicorn and shove it up your fairy tale.

hey philo,

im glad you comented. thanks for the props about it being from the heart. its the only way i know.

i can see where a lot of it, to you
sounds like just a bunch of crap, or ramdom things you dont understand.

but everything in there is very deliberate i assure you. and was not completed in hast.

if you knew me or my shit
(which i neither expected you too or fault you for not)
but if you did, you would know i often write about nature and stuff. and its been said some sounds like its from the nature channel, hence the line in my peice.


here is one of the short ones as an example...

**************************
Between mountain peaks, where blue pristine creeks
Weave below a sea, of spruce green trees

Across vast canons passes, that entrap massive size rapids
thrashing secrete water falls, complete this scene with calm action

All beneath eyes of an eagle, Circling high in the breezes
Hopeful this guy in his cabin, Will provide him some salmon
********************************

my other stuff sound like nursery rhymes, tongue twisters. you get the picture.

anyway, i joded down the structure. five sylable combos dont just flow outa my pen with out some deep thought. but thats just me.


************************
some might.........my...................influence
tongue tie............lines.................Doc-ta. seuss

post...................metaphores........sake..... .....amusment
float...................outdoors.............natur e........veiwing

every............................................. ..................cleanly
never............................................. ..................meaning

snaking seamless streams..........fluid themes.............repeatedly
making pleasing clean.....................rotines................. .stinkin easy

***********************************


plus the center rhymed words inside each sentence itself. like "topics in step wit" or "seamless streams of E’s"

i thought bouncing "clean" off "stinkin" down at the other side of the sentence in that one line, was kinda a clever play on words.

oh, well......thanks for not hating.

peace

I appreciated this piece. Quite a few in here will. Especially maybe content. Who's always bitching about this! (And we wouldn't have him any other way)..

But yeah, i saw your little breakdown. Of how you got the flow in an abstract way. That takes me back (to when i didn't write crap). So i most definetly feel that part of the piece. I didn't recognise it at first.

Overall a solid piece of what it was (er, or is). Your emotions held behind the abstract (at times off) structure and what not. Bursting...

This place has become a bit of a haven for the 'abstract' and 'different' writers. Hmmm....rasta shack is turning more 'llectual...(!)...

...resp...

this is where i got all that abstract structure from...

**************************************
subliminal thoughts, when Ima stop sendin' em,
women are caught, in webs spin 'em and hock venom,

adrenalin shots, of penicillin could not
get the illin' to stop, amoxacillin's just not,
real enough
******************************************

im not saying its as good of coarse, but its how Em does a lot of his stuff.
i dont think it abstract.

peace

Er, you're talking about something different then...

heres how i see it...

*********************************************
subliminal thoughts............ stop sendin' em,
women are caught..............hock venom,

adrenalin shots...........penicillins could not
illin' to stop.............. amoxacillin's just not,
real enough
***************************************
its basically a structure that rhmes every word at the begining and end of every line.

this structure better discribes my "nature" piece.

*******************************************
Between mountain peaks, where blue pristine creeks
Weave below a sea, of spruce green trees
******************************************

structure goes..

between..................peaks................blue pristine creeks
weave......................sea...................s pruce green tree's

kinda get what im getting at?



ps. cool sig varentao

peace