i break thrugh the hating light a "commercial" success with jaded might~
my smoke fading pipe fools me into sharpening my tongue with a bladed knife~
i say im nice but its a mere ruse of losing my time~
my heart's desire in words stay eluding my mind, refusing to die~
i got the blues in my rib cage holding the pain the world offers daily~
my young baby is the only reason i exist this shit instead of expiring insanely~
but even my personification of ignorant youth has a nigga returning to smoke~
paper burning i tote but when my life is spoken i cant help returning a quote~
im learning to mope but hard times have me lost in a hole~
obstacles are the only things i see now with my eyes off the goal~
im striving for soul but i've reached short here ends my waste of mind~
wade in the shallow pools of regret as i hand you your towel, apologies of wasted time

1luv.

THis was poeticly correct...got to say 1st i though it would be a freestyle about yo life but after i read it i came to another conclusion nice poem and is directed to "Life" and its insane happenings.

Nice drop Overall

What can I say? Erm, it was bland, I believe this was more like a rap piece and not a poem, I thought it had no real emotion in it and I just never really enjoyed reading it, maybe you should work on structuring your poems a little better to make it seem as more of a poem, I never liked the rhyme scheme in it. I think it seemed forced and not needed in most parts. Basically I think you were trying to be like the thug rappers who tried writing poetry to help them in their songs, I think it just came out wrong, and I dont believe it was really on the topic of apologies either. Keep working though.

Love.

^i ask u this, is ignorance truly bliss? thanks for the replies nonetheless 1luv.

I enjoyed this...
Had a great flow which made it so easy to read
and I do enjoy that about poems....
The content went deep in some places
and only scratched the surface of potential
in others....
but great piece

only if you are talking about yourself.

^ouch im cut, thanks for the freepost paul, uppin, 1luv.

I like the flow of it. has a bit of iambic pentameter. nice.

my smoke fading pipe fools me into sharpening my tongue with a bladed knife~

^sounds a bit like Van Gogh only with a toungue.............this could be about you struggling artist fights to have his voice heard.....could be about life..........did read like a verse........but content always told me "all lyrics are poetry" so in that regard thumbs up...........didn't really see any "thug rapper" stuff in this so i don't know......................and for the record Paul poetry dosen't need to be structured in any typical sense........the writer writes it the way he wants it read.............good drop...............1

^thank you for your responses particularly u P, elevation is key, 1luv.

I was kind of lost on the topic here. I didn't see anything about apologizing until it got to the end. Of course everything you wrote could have went right over my head. It did seem more like a rap than a poem.

This one I didn't feel that much just cause I didn't understand it very well.

This one was very much written within yourself. By that i mean written to personal understanding. Very few 'hands' in this piece which you can grab hold of and guide you...

Still, i found it fairly interesting. I found some of the lines quite striking. Though in my own way more than yours. I didn't dig too deep into the piece. Though it's obvious that's what you have to do with this piece. but still, to an extent, appreciated...

...resp...

Wow... I came to three discoveries. One, I could have sworn I already replied to this. I know I read it, I just must not have pushed the "submit reply" button.

Two, when I'm serious, I actually do tend to sound very condenscending and errounious... just like varentao.

And three... that tongue cutting line just made me cringe. I think that maybe the first, if ever, I ever had a physical reaction to poetry. Well... except for the sexual ones, but that's a different kind of reaction.

Anyway, this was awe inspiring all the way around. The only technical problem was when I read it the flow seemed a bit off. Certain lines longer/shorter then the others. But besides that it's good stuff.

~Shalom~

__________________

Quote:

Originally posted by Bruklor Nec is just dumb

I'm taking that as a compliment.

This was a nice piece..as eerybody else said sounded more like a rap song than anything...i still liked it though..as written above it lacked in flow..but that didn't change the quality of the piece..DEUCES