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09-24-03, 08:05 AM | #1 | |
New to RB
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Worthy (First Piece, Please Crit)
IP:
This will hopefully be made into audio, more bars will be added, my first audio project, and my first ever topical, its called worthy because of the beat which has a chorus of a woman talking/ singing!
Any crit would be much appreciated! Worthy ill show them im worthy of some succes in life/ show them i can get through the pain and strife/ perhaps one day ill grow up raise a family/ get a good job, nice car, big house, big TV/ pressure to get good grades, get a good job/ people need money so much they result in crime, they rob/ idylic life, call me a pessimist i dont think it exists/ people hating life so much they result in slitting their wrists/ suicide, homocide, im on nobodys side/ people swear the oath, lie, the crime they deny/ Why do they do it, to understand oh i try/ how could you want to make another human die/ i sit back see suffering and think what life is this/ people at 15 on drugs, joining gangs and having kids/ so little time so much pressure to succeed/ so many people not sharing, controlled by greed/ how can you let another man starv with no home/ how can it be ok to spend millions on a oversized dome/ imagine a world where everyone was the same/ no racist claims, no fame, no1 hanging there head in shame/ We are certainly Worthy of a better standard of living/ raise my hand to Tony Blair, make it better your forgiven/ to continue to try to get further in this life i shall proceed/ put my finger up to the non believers, theres chance to succeed/ Oversized Dome = London Millenium dome! Anything dont make sense ask ill tell, ive critted a few pieces! |
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09-24-03, 08:25 AM | #2 | |
Guest
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IP:
SIMPLE VERY SIMPLE BUT A REAL GOOD READ I ENJOYED IT SOUNDED LIKE YOU EXPOSED YOURSELF HERE THAT WAS REAL GOOD.
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09-24-03, 08:50 AM | #3 | |
Guest
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IP:
for a first open mic it was pretty good
kept my interest not an original topic but u still wrote about it in a unbique way i guess vocabulary cud be improved along with more imagery to improve further drops but the simplicity of this was good in a way...fell what ur saying good job |
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09-25-03, 10:50 AM | #4 | |
New to RB
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IP:
thanks for crit boys, i know i shall add more multis wordplay imagery etc..
but thanks for crit |
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09-27-03, 09:34 AM | #5 | |
New to RB
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IP:
Any more Crit please?
First and Last Uppin! |
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09-27-03, 09:41 AM | #6 | |
Guest
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IP:
ahhh, u muss b from ma homeland....
not bad fo ya 1st post blood.... jes elevate and you'll come along nicely... |
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09-27-03, 03:40 PM | #7 | |
New to RB
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IP:
your homeland, u meening UK!
yeh Sheffield city born and raised, (on the playground where i spent most o my days ) Cheers for crit, much appreciated man, im gonna improve multies in this piece! |
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09-27-03, 04:15 PM | #8 | ||
Banned for being stupid
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IP:
yo i thought that was ok for a first post, it was pretty simple, but ull get better at addin multis and wordplay in ur verses. i thought the vocab was ok, and the topic was a little played.
my favorite lines were, "imagine a world where everyone was the same/ no racist claims, no fame, no1 hanging there head in shame/" i thought that was pretty tight. hold ur chin up and keep postin man, ull elevate. peace..... |
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