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Whoooah! dud this seems to be not well thought through...

some of the lines don't even rhyme properly... k?
ex.
My lose screws seem to all have dissapear/
Seeing demons in my dreams yeah i know it's not real/

and steer clear of words you've already used in the same line... it sounds put on.....unless... it has some meaning...
ex.
Sitting in the bar, pass the hennesy at the far, smoking weed in the bar, police bugs on my car/

keep workin on it

{Peace}

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Think about ya rhymin words. Go to a dictionary if ya can't think of any and what not. Fair for a first tho'