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Old 10-10-03, 02:26 PM   #1
Menik
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Posts: 2,017
From: Mifflinburg, PA
..One Love..

IP:

I sit here thinking to myself as the second hand unwinds..
Wishing I just had one chance to be with her one-time..
And just hold-her..in my arms and feel her heart start-to-beat..
And just show-her...what she means to me, but its hard-to-speak..
Cause shes perfection, and I feel rejection, start to build inside...
And Even if I painted her a picture perfect scene, it wouldnt describe..
How I truly feel cause words just cant paint on this canvas..
And I just don’t know how I live without her, I can barely stand-this…
Only if I had the courage to just say those special words…
But it seems, that from me, they will never be heard…

I only have one love, and its you..
Fate has lead me to you..
And I believe its true..

I only have one love, and its you..
But no matter what I do..
Im constantly thinking of you…

Everyday, I see you, as you pass-me-by…
But I turn away, and look up at the glassy-sky…
And I see images of you in the white-clouds…
I just wanna turn and yell to you the words right-now..
But I cant, cause im afraid of what you might say..
A no or yes, but either way, the feelings will never go away..
And as your picture keeps flashing inside my head...
I cant help but smile, about all the things you said…
Hearing your sweet soft voice entering my ears..
Makes me almost say the words, cause it takes away my fears.

I only have one love, and its you..
Fate has lead me to you..
And I believe its true..

I only have one love, and its you..
But no matter what I do..
Im constantly thinking of you…

And I gotta work something up cause fates working against-me..
Taking every second from me, in a way trying to convince-me..
That I can do it, but I just stutter like im some kind of fool..
But I would open my heart for you so you could rule…
And everyday I feel that I have grown closer to-you...
Cause I offered my hand out to you, take it, do-you?..
You nodded and grasped my hand, feeling your warm touch..
You looked at me and smiled, inside that meant so much..
I guess so many words can be said in the silence of one..
Cause with no sound, I spoke deep to you, and your heart I won..
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Old 10-10-03, 02:30 PM   #2
Mr.Christensen
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Posts: 2,488
IP:

aight...struc 1st.... you should try and get your 2nd verse to be the meat of the piece... hook was good...nice way to space it

1st verse
the approach was good but the rhyming words were simple...hit the dictionary...vocab needs upping

2nd
flow wasnt on... and 2 small (previously commented on)
sides that good verse

3rd
closer killed it...great way to end it

overall good drop, i know it was heart felt and that she means alot to you
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Old 10-10-03, 03:24 PM   #3
Ken Dawg
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Thumbs up Deep Shit Masta C!

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Man Masta C, that was some deep ass shit. You got the while thing going on..your still my favorite white boy!! Nah though..you got the flow, the rhymes fit perfect, you making it somewhere....................Peace out for now dawg!
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Old 10-10-03, 03:38 PM   #4
N.D.eva
BANNED: Cheater
 
Posts: 246
From: N.E. England......
IP:

yeah i thought this was pretty tight, like topical peices, you kept to the subject well, liked the hook, thought the first verse was the strongest, but a agree that the second was the weakest, slightly different flow.....peace..... keep spittin...........!!!!!
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Old 10-10-03, 04:40 PM   #5
gotaloveforrap
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From: Phoenix, AZ
IP:

i was feelin that, i thought ur structure was a little weak though, and ima say next time try and elevate on the vocab, and ur flow fell off throughout most of the post, but ur wordplay and multis were great. that closer was excellent though, i was really feelin it, keep droppin homie, that was nice.

peace......
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Old 10-10-03, 08:46 PM   #6
Menik
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From: Mifflinburg, PA
IP:

Hey guys thanks for the feedback, keep it coming, its much appreciated, Thanks.
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Old 10-11-03, 03:10 AM   #7
Menik
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From: Mifflinburg, PA
IP:

Uppping this for some more feedback, if you check it out leave me some feedback, its much appreciated, thanks.
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Old 10-11-03, 03:17 AM   #8
yog_dogg
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that was a sweet drop and all and i enjjoyed readin it but hey return the favour and vote on the battle between yog_dogg and gotaloveforrap
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Old 10-12-03, 07:38 PM   #9
Menik
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From: Mifflinburg, PA
IP:

Hey thanks for the feedback, keep it coming, its much appreciated, thanks.
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Old 10-13-03, 12:41 AM   #10
Drummerman
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that was a tight drop
it was a great read
<~~~~~~~~~~>
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Old 10-13-03, 02:56 AM   #11
pacaso mac
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From: Chicago,"windy city hustla"
IP:

it was ok dog
use multis that will help you out
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