So many nights that i surrendered my final innocence to you,
Placed my foolish heart in the destruction of your palm,
Lay down for you to tread on me, blinded by false hope,
That the one i loved would bring me strength, not harm.
My mind shattered only jaded visions left there behind my eyes,
That i could uncover the good beneath your skin,
The key to my desire, to live life the fairytale,
To unlock the bolted door and walk on in.
Your eyes suggest a demon mind, enclosing all thats kind,
What made me think that he could care for me?
He makes me feel inhuman, beaten down, wounded like a dog,
All the fire in Hell could not burn as much as he.
Red from when he hit me, purple from when it bruised,
Tears have fallen but he swept them all away,
He changes momentarily, unpredictable as the wind,
His mood holds all power to lead my heart astray.
One meaningless sorry, is all i get from all this grief,
His emotion comes and goes, as when he pleases,
I could spit on him and in the same moment hold him close,
Like the gentle flower in amongst the breezes.
I swore to him i hate him, but i love him eternally,
Its really that i hate what he has done,
But i'll never have enough courage to up and leave he.
I know in my soul that he's the one.

pleez dont sleep.

ill resopond to ya! i feel this one. i can relate to u with this piece. expecally that:

" swore to him i hate him, but i love him eternally,
Its really that i hate what he has done, "
i know what that is like more then i can explane keep writting girl oh and if u get a chance cheak out my newest drop call confusion u might be able to relate

One meaningless sorry, is all i get from all this grief,
His emotion comes and goes, as when he pleases,
I could spit on him and in the same moment hold him close,
Like the gentle flower in amongst the breezes.
I swore to him i hate him, but i love him eternally,
Its really that i hate what he has done,
^^^ what 'he' has done, is all that he has to vouche for who he is...

But i'll never have enough courage to up and leave he.
I know in my soul that he's the one.
these lines contradict each other in the worst way... disgusting display.

If this poem is a personal one, I pity you and urge you to examine yourself logically. And suggest you listen to your first half rather than the last. The ideas, images and content of most of the piece is good... from an impersonal level it describes the feelings very well.
You put forth an image of a girl completely destructed.... the last two lines don't work because in writing you still must have a sense of truth. It comes across more as as a misunderstood contradiction rather than juxtaposition with a purpose.

my last suggestion is to proofread.

.peace.

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I'm a goblin hooked on rails, stuck drinking ale/ I'll rip the horn out a unicorn and shove it up your fairy tale.

whoa, great peace, you showed good emotion and good wordplay overall your work was thoroughly organized an placed great my 2 cents keep it up

__________________
Open Mics
The Weathers Art
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108673
My Teenage Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=104850
Secluded
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...851#post1148851
Open Your Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...461#post1157461

Great job gurl. I once had the same thing with a guy. It was like no matter how much he beat me or swore at me, I still loved him. Just because of that feeling of being with him. In a way, the mind blinds what the heart says. In this, you had a lot of emotion and imagery. I loved it. Keep ya head up too, just like all of us. Keep em comin. Most respect.

The emotion was shown in this well. Yet he beats you but has that gentle side. through it all you can feel it deep that he's the true one for you. Like I said Emotion was felt and I seen no flaws. Liba keep it up sweetheart. I'm here for you always and have repsect and love for you deep from the heart. Much Respect JT

yes as all the others have commented, the emotion does run deep, and witnessing that type of violence i have a clue what you are on about. nice topic, and some nice immagery, but some wasnt that nice, the way u put the picture forward.

aiight

peace

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<center><img src=http://www.rhymevantage.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=6921=1 border=0></center>

I thought the emotion in this was just so real. Any person that's gone through any kind of relationship that they knew was bad for them.. but then also knew that they couldn't leave them.. would relate to this poem greatly. I can relate to this, every word in this. I thought the poem was good, maybe because I lived the same thing and you put your emotion into it.. and it felt like you read my mind and put my emotions in as well. nice job. I liked this. Keep tha ill shit comin.

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<center>Fuck it...</center>

The opening line caught my attention. Because it was so vague that it made you wonder "well what is she surrendering? Sex, love, power, her heart, her body?" But I didn't think you were going to take it in the direction that you did, I'm impressed. That's talent to take the reader somewhere you didn't think they would go.
On another level I think mainly all women with a dating history can relate to an abusive boyfriend. Whether or not you're writing this from your perspective or some one you know or just the thought of... No woman deserves to be beaten on. PERIOD. IF you are in a relationship like that concider all that he is (write it down if it helps you) his pros and cons. See what outweighs what. And know that NO ONE will stop anything until they feel it with in them to stop. If you ever need to talk hit me up on aim Phantasma4357 or PickledPixxyStix... peace gurl, nice emotional drop