3 works i posted a reply to:

mindless
bad andy
whitelighting

Ok this peice is very deep, and i hope you guys can get all the metaphors and fully comprehend the lines.

I'm dead awake sleeping, deep thoughts creep in
Apathetic weaping, glorious vicacious reaping
Boundless imperfections, un-unified sections
Uncontagious infections, unneeded painless injections
Intact thoughts shattered, mind under matter
Decending stepless ladders, atomic bonds scattered
Illiterate idiot producing genious literature compositions
Weak spirited strong willed uncunning running competition
Moronic oblique dissing, a microphone who won't listen
Polished diamond mind...that glitters but fails to glisten
Honest vandals lying, immortal memories dying
Dry-eyed crying,...wing-less angels flying
A sunny day clouded, a messiah's preachings doubted
A whisper being shouted, religious ideas rerouted
Families united in hate, pearly gates turn to discriminate
Brothers that can't relate, an undestined clear fate
How can this be?,... Is my mind's eye blind?
What is the key?... To rewind time's line?
Surviving my body rots, empty stomach in endless knots
These are the effects in manifesting Chaos of Conflicting Thoughts

I'm dead awake sleeping, deep thoughts creep in
Apathetic weaping, glorious vicacious reaping
Boundless imperfections, un-unified sections
Uncontagious infections, unneeded painless injections
Intact thoughts shattered, mind under matter
Decending stepless ladders, atomic bonds scattered

after that it went bad....

the imagry was well dont here and the idea was good
stick to a rhyme scheme next time.... the initial part had great flow and was working well for you

yeah i used a scheme it went like this:
a-a
a-a
b-b
b-b
c-c
c-c
d-e
d-e
f-f
f
g-g
g-g
h-h
h-h
i-i
i-i
j-k
j-k
L-L
L

uppin

sssssshhhhhhhiiiiiiittttttt.......I thought this shit was dope as fuk son.

"Boundless imperfections, un-unified sections
Uncontagious infections, unneeded painless injections
Intact thoughts shattered, mind under matter
Decending stepless ladders, atomic bonds scattered
Illiterate idiot producing genious literature compositions
Weak spirited strong willed uncunning running competition"

^^^shit was def hot right their. You had some nice vocab and wordplay. I also like the tone and the feelin of this peice.....i like shit that makes you think nah mean. You also had some hella nice imagry as well kid. A nice ass drop without a doubt.....keep it up and be easy son, 1

__________________
*R.I.P*
Jimmy L. , Louis L. , Aj R. , Tyler R. , Chris R., Dan W. , Matt F.......
" You all will never be forgotten and your spirits live within us all!!! R.I.P*"


" So for the 2nd time [The Pharisses] summoned the man who had been blind and said
"Speak the truth before God. We know this man is a sinner."
"Wether he is a sinner I do not know."
:The man replied:
"All I know is this...Once I was blind and now I can see"
John 1x 24-26

thanks man upp

That's what I think man, the whole thing started of great, but then it kind of died down and got a little boring at the end. And the rhyme schem at the end wasn't that great either. Maybe you just need to go back and re-word a few things.

it was more of a poetic piece...and the flow works great i did it to a beat...pay attention to the words and the message more

upppp

Yeah i agree with Y_Not this was real good man.....you structured this nicely i thought.......your flow was a bit off but it made up for itself with your multies i liked those man....i was feeling this as i read through it, it made me think about things....Your vocab in this was nice man, keep at that...and your imaginary was good in this.....overall this was a nice piece....keep at it.

/\ thanks

upp

i really like ur vocabulry used and the flow was good

/\gay feedback



upp