Rick was twenty nine
Thinking he had plenty of time
To keep on chasing his dreams
With rent to find..
Shaking his means..
As hes taking his green Like Autumn
Determination was never shortened
He kept going On like he was frisky
B'cos all the females left him briskly
He was bristly, With matted hair
Constantly attatched to his chair
The plats were everywhere
Never a moment in despair
But his life..Could never be repaired
He wasn't prepared.. to understand
It doesn't make you a man..To loose
Then keep on trying & can't choose
What to do..What will really help you
But this.. Is what he persued
Just like his lyrics.. Rick was screwed
Slick to spew..Out his emotions
He had more devotion.. to work hard
Than hand jobs from whores..The worst scars
We're that on society.. With his dynasty
His life rubbed of Like the pencil..
He was temperamental.. detrimental
To his sanity.. There was no real calamity
He lived in a bloody period Like sanitrys
His blood, sweat & tears
. .Tugged his chest near
To his passionate red ink
A dead brink Leer-Rick to Lyrics
Even though he wasn't meant for it..

That was really good, the emotion and description of what was going on was really interesting, i found your vocab was really on par, the way you used it was good, This i think is one of your best works it was unique the way you brought the topic and the ending was good i liked the description of this line

--->>
We're that on society.. With his dynasty
His life rubbed of Like the pencil..
He was temperamental.. detrimental
To his sanity.. There was no real calamity
He lived in a bloody period Like sanitrys
His blood, sweat & tears
. .Tugged his chest near
To his passionate red ink
A dead brink Leer-Rick to Lyrics
Even though he wasn't meant for it..

That was a great part in this piece the way you ended it was awesome.

Very good read keep it up

And thanks for our critique on kclipz 4 murken an myn collabo

__________________
Open Mics
The Weathers Art
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108673
My Teenage Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=104850
Secluded
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...851#post1148851
Open Your Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...461#post1157461

Ty..

Up.

MATE...this made for a good read...i like this sorta structure you got going....good transistion in ya scheme and i like the way you keep the rhymes going.....and a good solid closing to it....yeah some nice shit.......pZ.....definately one of your better drops....not that the others arent good......keep at it and keep reppin ENGLAND

nice drop and cool story in the form of a flow. keep on droppin rymes.

dope rhyme scheme and structure with those short bars the multi's were killin it the story line was a bit uninteresting but overall it was well told I was feelin this -1

I enjoyed this, much because it was vivid rather than simple. It would be neat to hear your audio. I liked the complexity of a few lines that you wrote. Hope to hear more from you - J