yo im undisputed,unrecruited, my whole lifes been computed, momma told me to listen but im deaf to the world muted

I took off the caption, now the traction, has left me with a decimal instead of a fraction, so much controversy from my reaction, feels like my last name should be Jackson

The depression of life's lesson has left me stressing, hard to keep pressing, dont know what path to take so im guessing

Looking up at the ceiling, the pain that im feeling, would make a thief stop stealing, a doctor stop healing, a snack cake to a fat person not appealing

im a orphan a ~cast away~, the sun dont even like me instead of a beam i get a ~blast of ray~(sun ray), my alarm clock wont ring cause it wants me to ~past a day~

I live life on the edge, every day im pushed to the side with a thin ledge, in my dreams I see the skeleton with the sledge,feels like some ones drilling me with a dredge, fuc the allegiance to death i pledge

one

You need to leave 3 links or 3 names of peoples you left feedback in or this will get closed/deleted..

But this was alright....you need to work on structure though, try making your lines around the same length and shorten them a bit they are stretched out....flow was ok, try adding a few more multies, you had some but not a lot....just work on those things...overall this was alright...keep at it.

i fort it was alright, could use more multi's, but wordplay and vocab was there and good struture too.
Keep doin ur thing

hit my rhyme
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=96675

cheers

it was a decent read. you'll elevate a lot in time. fix up the
structure a little. the multies flowed evenly but in most cases
were a bit choppy. it was a nice verse no doubt. stayed on
topic. not a bad topic to write about either. im sure people
can relate to it. but yea. it was enjoyable to read. props.
keep it up.

please check out my new verse wen i post it up. thanx

peACE