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01-17-04, 03:20 AM | #1 | ||||||
New to RB
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Into Eternity
IP: 2BDD 99FE
my knees tremble in anticipation
the heart races through the darkness arms strugling to keep hold fear i see light in front of me my mind strugles to adjust my eyes do the same shock distance becomes futile worry becomes peace the body melts away useless empires crumble bemeath me time is meaningless they all play through me power tears stream down the faces panic sets in everywhere questions sore to me responsibility change the resultant force pain forgotten yet known curiosity quiets fear as i move into eternity |
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01-17-04, 05:30 PM | #2 | ||||||
New to RB
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IP: 37A2 2804
damn, not a single person read? up................................................ ..................
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01-17-04, 05:32 PM | #3 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: 7A38 2D7B
well, i'm sorry nobody responded to this, but i thought if there was one this that stood out here it was the constrast between simplicity and complexinty, your use of vacab demonstrated the deeper thoughts portrayed in the simplistic structure..i know from experience..contrasts work well....
keep it up and i hope you get more replies! |
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01-17-04, 06:06 PM | #4 | ||||||
New to RB
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IP: 37A2 2804
thanks a lot. still uppin............................................. ..............................
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01-17-04, 10:16 PM | #5 | ||||||
New to RB
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IP: 37A2 2804
uppin please............................................ ............................................
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01-18-04, 12:12 PM | #6 | ||||
shawty"B"
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IP: 4577 CD9A
this one doesnt make much sense to me..... theres not enought meaning to it and it seems forced. i think f you add more to it and make sure theres some meaning in it, it would turn to be a great peice. keep it up!! return tha fava n read mine!
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01-18-04, 02:27 PM | #7 | ||||||
New to RB
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IP: 5E8E 873B
no, there is plenty of meaning to it, just look a lil deeper than the surface. u actually gotta think to get it, not just read it. thats y its a poem.
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01-18-04, 02:46 PM | #8 | |||||||
New to RB
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IP: DBC9 89DC
u need to bring a little more emotion ya know to what u write. dont make it a mystery. but other then thats its a really good poem
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01-18-04, 03:26 PM | #9 | |||||||
Middle Weight
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IP: FED5 F313
hmm, im not a fan of this one at all. it had good vocab, thats not a problem. it had intelligence to it which made it alright to read. i didnt feel any emotion to it, just words...i dont know if thats just me or wat but thats how i felt or didnt. good imagery, good use of senses. thats all i got to say, just wish there was more emotion and feeling to make it more enjoyable and more relateable to the reader.
-GG-
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Po'Ethics.
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01-18-04, 07:20 PM | #10 | |||||||
Sharp Perfection.
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IP: 4427 B15C
ok for this piece i for one liked it, simple on the outside, structure and vocab, but when you actually read it and understand whats being said then you relise the complex parts to it. ppl may not have felt emotion for the simple fact that too many just scroll throu all these poems and treat them all the same, but when they come to one that may take some effort to relise its meaning then they give up, passing up all the message and emotion. actually this piece might have drawn me in alittle more too because it reminds me of one i wrote awhile back, same structure and all. and intellegent piece.
~Tera~ DONT HATE PS, sometimes a poem with a mystery topic are the best ones. ppl just have to try to understand harder, and if they still cant well then its their lose
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R.I.P to my lost girl
~ Nyla ~ keep singing in heaven |
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01-18-04, 07:38 PM | #11 | ||||||
New to RB
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IP: 16A9 B785
thanks a lot for really taking the time to read this. i was begining to wonder if anyone would understand wat i was tryin to say, or if i had just screwed up. thanks to u and also fanta zee for really looking at this and to all who replied. if u have anything else u would like me to see hit me up n i'll take a look.
p.s. ur avatar is hot man. |
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01-19-04, 10:39 PM | #12 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: 4621 6ECB
Had a very passive feel. Misty...fleeting.
Which maybe played well to what i percieved as the subject. Deterioration to death. Demise even. From beinfg on the brink, to actually going over and into it... ...i especially liked how you came back to 'responsibility'. Whcih i percieved as being the person thinking of family. Bills. Money. The person's responsiblity's in life that he/she can no longer fulfill....so becomes sad. But mainly about family. The end was sweeping. Fitting even. Maybe a bit uneven and akward at times. But i enjoyed reading it. It was eerie, had an unusual sense to it.. Maybe someone who's just been hit by a car. Or the eventual demise of someone with cancer. A man of war. Or a woman of service. It's all relative to this in a way...(i think?!)... ..resp... |
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01-20-04, 07:08 AM | #13 | |||||||
Audio..Till Its All Over!
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IP: 1BB0 9CE7
this drop was aight..u could have made ur lines longer..n got to the point better..u need to work on ur flow when u do this..but other than that..it was a good topic..n content in it was allright..like i said..it had potential..but u need to flow better..and make ur lines a lil longer
hit up mi P.S its called ~FreeDom~ |
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01-23-04, 05:22 PM | #14 | ||||
Light Weight
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IP: DF7B C8F7
i didnt understand this too well but it was still quite good jus try and use better vocab in future
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108195 anyway krakajack wats happenig with textbook i was thinking about a recruitment thread do you want me too, pm me Last edited by code-187 : 01-23-04 at 05:25 PM. |
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01-24-04, 05:02 PM | #15 | ||||||
New to RB
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IP: 155C 9B34
yea man, go ahead and do it. i'll give u foll recrutin powers. do ya thing man......................
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