.....Tammie liked to walk with her head down, that way the monsters couldn’t look her in the eyes and taint her like they were. She hated even when people looked in her direction. But what she hated even more than being looked at was being talked to. She wasn’t too fond of people in general. Her theology was that if she wore only black, painted her nails the accordingly, and finished it of with matching lipstick, people wouldn’t want to talk to her, and for the most part she was right. Most people just ignored her existence, when they weren’t thinking to themselves “freak”.
.....Matt wasn’t one of these people though, so the Goth look didn’t dissuade him, and if anything it was the reason he did talk to her. He held her life in suspect, but it was quickly confirmed from the first word that came out of her mouth. “Nothing” slipped out of her Rolling Stone Song colored lips, a quiet mumbled of her unwillingness to answer. He had a little laugh to himself for his victory, even though he knew she would give an answer like that for what she was up to. He made some small chitchat, or attempted to do so. Just little things like “So what’s your name?” She slowly glanced in his direction, the bus stop seat beside her, and then replied with a bit more voice “Tammie.” A slight smile came over his face before he said “Nice to meet you Tammie. I’m Matt.” Then he extended his arm, presenting his hand to her, waiting, hoping for her to accept. She hesitated for a second before looking to her right, a little bit more this time around, this time seeing his face and the sincere smile upon it. Her lips never curled, but inside a little bit of that hatred was calmed. She removed her hand from the safeness of her jacket pocket, then placed it inside his waiting palm, and shook.
.....And now, Matt held Tammie’s trust in the palm of his hand.

This was interesting. I can actually relate to Tammie. I was once like this and it eventually ended up like this. Seems like a story, yet this actually does happen in real life. Flow was great along with stucture. Overall I loved it. Great job.

i think it was great and the ending is kind of twisted, its definitely good it kinda reminds me of the end of the Thriller video were MJ turns into the zombie dude after he gains shorty's trust or it could be an innocent jumpoff, definitely dope, 1luv.

Thank you both.

I had to write a short story conveying trust for English class. The whole idea of "short" is basically what killed me. I had to basically crop the story so I could hand it in within the allotted time (about two days). Due to the time restrictions I had to cut it short, the idea in my head is longer and much more complete.
If I actually put my mind to it I could make this into a novel... Hmmm... Maybe I'll do that...

That was really good. The story was very impressive. I like how you took a stereotype and some what wrote why they're like that. that was neat. I enjoyed the image created it was very good. Should get a good mark on this i think...

If you got time can you check something in my sig...thanks a lot.

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Open Mics
The Weathers Art
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108673
My Teenage Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=104850
Secluded
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...851#post1148851
Open Your Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...461#post1157461

::nods:: defiantly. i kno how that goes ive been both tammie and matt and can relate to the story completely. i cant base this on rhythm flow or ryhme scheme but i can relate to the thought behind it so defiantly this is the dopest...id buy the novel...::nods:: lemme kno when its published...

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...do tell...

Every lil boi is born shi......their ignorance makes them bold......

simply put"...wise words whisperd to deaf ears as no one hears the blurred proverbs that're always spoken clear so i fuckin swear that my where wont be here as time tolls..." second verse of 'Elevate' written by -shi-

I read the last line before I read the rest of the piece.
I appreciated the rolling stones reference
I see the girls walk by in their summer clothes, I have to turn my head until my darkness goes. I see a red door and I want to paint it black.
word.
I want to start calling my hand my trust. My trust is pleasuring me.
See, Brooke, your pieces always leave me thinking.

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Life isn't a bitch...
she's just sick of being personified -Sage Francis

Interesting story. Worked nicely to an accomplished ending.

It seemed to be written in a kind of poetic form. At times. I dunno, maybe i didn't read it right. But this forum caters for most 'other' pieces of work other than poetry as such.

A good read.

...resp...

trust is a topic that coudl be written about in so many ways, and i enjoyed the way you decided to show it. it was well built and had good emotion and descriptions to it. lol and now i have that song stuck in my head ** i look inside myself and see my heart is black, i see a red door and i must have it painted black." anywho did a good job showing the trust topic in such a short story.

~TERA~
DONT HATE

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That was deep I felt the character Tammie and I think u got great Poetic Talent dawg so keep this shit up and any time I see ya dropped in here I am giving ya feedback on it 4 sure, pz out

It was a 8/10

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